Congratulations on Your New Job

Great news! It's 2024 and your company finally came up with that big, fat raise you so deserve. No? In that case, let me congratulate you having the courage to leave your job and take on a new position at a ginormous salary commensurate with your obvious abilities. Not that, either?

I don't want to make you feel bad; that's your manager's job. Still, if 2024 is shaping up to be a rerun of 2023, and you're hot and heavy into job hunting, it's time to figure out the problem. This could take time, or maybe not.

The problem is you -- you, and the stubborn fact that you don't know how to negotiate.

Don't beat yourself up (that's your manager's job, too). Not everyone was born with the negotiation gene, which is why everyone should read "These Mistakes Can Sabotage Your Salary Negotiations Before They Even Start," an article by Aline Lerner on the Fast Company website.

According to Lerner, faulty negotiating "leaves $1 million to $1.5 million in lifetime earnings on the table." And that doesn't include stock options, extra days off and free matcha.

There are two mistakes people make when negotiating salary: revealing information too early in the game and negotiating before they're ready. To avoid these interviewing boo-boos requires leverage and preparation.

In this economic environment, where any job could evaporate with the introduction of an AI chatbot with your name on it, you have zero leverage, though you can always try holding your breath until you turn red. It worked in kindergarten.

But preparation -- that, you can definitely do. And I can definitely help, kind of.

Mistake No. 1: Revealing information before you're ready to negotiate

When it comes to interviewing for a new job, it's perfectly acceptable to open your heart. Just don't open your mouth. Recruiters and hiring managers may speak glowingly about growth potential and free foosball in the employee lounge, but really, it's all about the Benjamins. They want to know your current salary, your salary history, your salary expectations and the amount of your allowance in 6th grade on a pre-EBITA basis.

They also want to know how many companies you are talking to.

Answering any of these questions "has no upside, only downside." This is why the experienced negotiator will respond with sophistry, like "I need to learn more about this exciting opportunity before I can value it," or my personal surefire recommendation to all questions about how much you earn or want to earn: "more than a dollar and less than one million." (Note that this response does have its drawbacks. What is they're ready to pay you $1.5 mil?)

Revealing the number of companies with whom you are interviewing also puts you at risk, especially if the number is zero. A mature, totally professional response such as "None of your beeswax" works in this situation, but the better move is to say "Well, my performance has made me quite popular now, and all I can say is, 'I really know how Taylor Swift feels.'"

At this point, ask the interviewer if they want to be Travis Kelce to your Taylor Swift and make beautiful music together. That will turn off most interviewers, but if you find one that responds with an offer, saying, "Look What You Made Me Do," you've got a winner.

Mistake No. 2: Premature negotiation

The smart negotiator is in no rush to get down to business. A good delaying technique is to insist that you "need some time to process and/or talk to your wife, partner or spouse."

If you don't have a wife, partner or spouse, pause negotiations until you can meet, marry and move in with one, or two or all three. If you don't have time, talk about the offer with your labradoodle. They always know what to do.

Assuming you've kept your mouth shut and dragged your feet as long as humanly possible, you've hopefully gathered information on multiple offers, which you can use to "strategically share the stronger portions of the offers without sharing the weaker points."

This is the leverage you've been looking for.

Tell Company A that Company B has offered you a gigantic salary with beaucoup RSU's, a personal assistant, a beach house and two leased Teslas, one for weekdays and one for weekends. You don't necessarily have to tell them the job is in Kyrgyzstan.

The offer that comes back from Company A should be totally acceptable, but there's only one way to make sure you're making the right decision.

Talk with your labradoodle.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.