Mary Troublefield saw the first, subtle signs in her grandfather almost 20 years ago, when he was driving her cross-country.

"I was 19, and he was in his 70s. I called my mom afterward and said something like 'He just doesn't have that reaction time like he should,'" said Troublefield.

Several years would pass before Troublefield was spurred to broach that difficult conversation with her grandfather, Captain Billy Ryan, a U.S. Coast Guard boat commander during World War II who received the Bronze Star for his actions at the Battle of Saipan. Troublefield and her grandfather were again in the car; Ryan took a turn too sharply and clipped a curb.

"You see these little blips of things as a child and as a grandchild," said Troublefield, now 37 and a married mother of four living in Colorado Springs. "Here's this man I always saw as a wonderful strong man. It's a hard conversation to say to your loved one, 'Hey, I'm watching you age and you may not be seeing it because you're in it. I'm seeing it because I'm not.'"

But how do you tell a war hero who rescued five men stranded on a landing craft, under heavy mortar and artillery fire -- a man you love with all your heart, who is your personal hero and "rock" -- that perhaps it's time to consider handing over the keys?

No one wants to have that conversation, and an estimated 70 percent of American families put it off until a health crisis or other emergency forces the issue, said Jerri Schomaker, owner of Home Instead Senior Care in Colorado Springs, which provides in-home caretakers for seniors.

"Unfortunately, it is often not until a crisis happens that families consider these important discussions," Schomaker said. "Although the prospect of addressing sensitive topics can often be intimidating, it's critical for these conversations to happen before it's too late."

To help families initiate and navigate those vital discussions -- about driving, finances and end-of-life care issues -- Home Instead Senior Care offers a booklet and series of online guides on "The 40-70 Rule," with resources and tips for both children and their aging loved ones.

The goal of the 40-70 program is, first of all, awareness: Families should aim to have those critical conversations about the future by the time adult children reach age 40 and their parents are in their 70s, Schomaker said.

The program approaches issues -- emotional to practical -- from the perspective of adult children as well as their aging loved ones.

"Quite often, when it comes to certain topics, there is a noticeable gap between the wishes of the senior parents and their children," said Schomaker. "We want to help families establish plans in advance so that a parent's expressed wishes are met."

When Troublefield first approached her grandfather for the talk, her technique didn't work.

"I remember the struggle it was for him to admit, 'Hey, I need help.' Every time I would say 'Hey, you're doing this wrong,' he'd shut me down and say 'No, I'm not,'" Troublefield said.

"What ultimately got that dialogue going with my grandfather was I'd say 'I need you to help me help you.' When I brought it to the table like that -- can you support me by letting me support you in this way? -- he was a lot more open to it."

Troublefield's grandfather, who died in 2011, was determined to stay at home as he aged, and Troublefield served as his primary in-home caregiver, with the help of her parents, until the final year of his life, when workers with Home Instead Senior Care stepped in.

"It was really hard to watch the aging process take over, but I really feel blessed to have been able to be part of that, and for my children to be a part of that. Because of Home Instead, I just got to be the granddaughter that last year. That caregiver stress was gone," said Troublefield, who now works in recruitment and retention for Home Instead in the Springs.

"If I can give one other person that, then I know my grandfather is happy with what I'm doing."

For more information about the "40-70 Rule" program or to obtain a copy of the Action Plan for Successful Aging, visit 4070talk.com or call 534-0908.

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Contact Stephanie Earls: 636-0364

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