Ask Amy: DNA discovery leads to awkward reality
I really think my brother needs to know.
Our mother is also in ill health, and I anticipate losing her in the next year or so.
Should I wait until she passes to tell him?
Should I never tell him?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: You don’t say how you know that you and your brother have different biological fathers – other than the fact that you don’t feel connected to him. Perhaps your mother filled in some details that you haven’t included here, but if she and your father used IVF to conceive both of you, you should consider the possibility that they used the same male donor for both conceptions. If so, you and your brother would share DNA from both sides of the family.
Your mother seems to have weathered this disclosure, and while she says she doesn’t want anyone to know about this, you do know, and your brother should know, too.
He has a human right to know about his own DNA. He also has health issues, where knowing about his parentage could make an important difference.
You should have a serious talk with your mother. Thank her for working so hard to bring you into the world, and for confirming this information for you. Tell her that your brother has a right to know about his DNA, and offer to tell him either on your own, or alongside her.
Give her choices: “I’ll tell him, or I’ll be here with you when you tell him. I’ll help you write a letter to him or will be on a phone call with you to support you. But he needs to be told.”
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