Ask Amy: Blended family is not really blended
Your thoughts?
– Depressed and Disappointed
Dear Depressed: I’m so sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through now. Your household dynamic leaves little room for you to grieve and find comfort.
You and your husband have been married for 24 years, and yet I would not describe your family as “blended.”
Successfully blended families become their own unique organism; the boundaries between “step” relationships blur over time, and all members (to varying extents) identify as “family.” Family members also come to understand and respect in a basic sense the stepparent’s important role.
Your husband holds the key to the dysfunction and lack of respect in your household. You quite obviously believe that you have no voice.
I assume that the dynamic between you two is well-established, but I wonder if your son’s death has changed your perspective, and perhaps opened your eyes to your husband’s lack of support and respect.
If he saw you as an important and equal partner in your own home, his children would, too. If he saw, supported, and respected your needs and boundaries, his children would, too.
Now that you are aware of this dynamic, I hope you will assert your own rights.
When this next group of family members visit, if you don’t want to see them or serve them, then yes – you should leave. This would be your version of “sucking it up and being an adult.”
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