ArcaMax

If you find your own anger becomes a problem, outside outlets -- like music, sports, art, drama, or just playing and having fun -- can be important tools to help you manage.

Retreat (with other siblings) when family members erupt. Breathe deeply and put on soothing music -- this will help your own brain to relax. Write down what is happening and how you feel (writing about it can help you to notice patterns and gain insight).

Counseling would help all of you; you should seek advice from a school counselor or a teacher.

Dear Amy: I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am 66 years old. My first husband died. The second man I was married to for 25 years was violent. I left him and bought a place of my own. I am starting over again. I am confused and hurt that my adult children still check on my ex-husband. They say he is sick. They feel sorry for him.

Where is their loyalty to me? This second husband is not their father. Am I missing something?

They tell me not to call him and not to answer the phone if he calls me, and yet they check on him and visit him.

Amy, these are my and my deceased husband's children! What am I missing here? -- Confused Mom

Dear Confused Mom: You don't say how old your children were when you married your second husband, but you should consider the possibility that this connection between them exists because he is the only father they feel they know. He is flawed and violent. And he is all they have.

Your children checking on your ex does not mean they are disloyal to you. It means that you raised them to be decent, kind people who might actually be quite conflicted about this abusive father of theirs.

You win in life by being a successful survivor. He has been left behind and is visited occasionally by people who feel sorry for him. Discourage your children from discussing him to you, but be aware that they have the right to maintain whatever relationships they choose.

Dear Amy: I was appalled at the snarky tone you assumed when you answered the question from "Curious Guy," who wondered why women don't shave the hair on their arms. I thought it was a real question, respectfully asked. He deserved better than your sarcasm. -- Loyal Reader

Dear Reader: Many hundreds of people agree with you. I took umbrage to the inferred suggestion that the hair on women's arms was somehow so unsightly that it needed to be removed. But now, to answer "Curious Guy's" question respectfully, I will simply say, "I don't know why women don't shave their arms. But I'm glad we don't."

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribpub.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson's memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them" (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.)