The God Squad: Caring for mom

“Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the aged: I am the LORD.” – Leviticus 19:32

Q: What happens when you just don’t know what to pray for? My Mom is 90 and up until two months ago she was living alone in the home we grew up in, dressing herself, bathing herself, cooking herself delicious meals, walking with a cane. She had to have fairly minor surgery which led to several other issues, nothing major, and all resolved within two weeks of being admitted to the hospital. However, she has had a complete decline while in the hospital and after. Currently she is in a rehab facility. She’s in a wheelchair, seems like she is experiencing the onset of dementia, and can’t tend to herself.

My siblings and I are now faced with what our next steps are. Move to assisted living? Move to a nursing home? Go home with 24/7 care? Find other housing that can accommodate her needs? I know many people go through this, but I feel like there is no good choice and whatever we choose will be the wrong one. If I was making this decision alone, it would be simpler for me, but my siblings and I decided long ago that we are in this together and we all need to be comfortable with Mom’s care plan. I pray for guidance and the best possible outcome, but these choices keep going around in my head and there never seems to be a clear answer.

We will be speaking to the estate attorney next week. Hoping that will help sort things out, but I know there will be so much more to process after talking to him. Decisions have always come easily to me. I’m in new territory here. What do I pray for? Thank you, I’m blowing in the wind! – (From D on Long Island)

A: Nobody is ready to become mom for their mom. The decisions you and your family face now are hard because they test all of you to answer this impossible question: How do we repay mom’s love for us? Love does not ask for repayment from the lover, but it demands repayment from the beloved. You are the beloved ones and your mom’s last days are in your hands and in your hearts now. The financial questions are not the most spiritually important, but they are the first questions. If none of you can have your mom in your home, then you must make provisions for her care at her home or in a facility where you can afford to provide her with both community and personal care. You must make a calendar to schedule regular visits from each of you, so the burden is equally shared. Also, when you visit, have an agenda of stories. Tell your mom stories about her past and ask her to share with you her memories. Just sitting with her is good, but not good enough. Try to get her technologically savvy enough to manage FaceTime calls. And finally, do not beat each other up over your supposed failings. You are doing the best you can just like your mom did every day of her life.

God bless you all.

Q: I loved your recent column on signs. I have received many signs, clear signs, from my father who passed away 40 years ago, in his 50s, to aunts, uncles and even a friend’s mother that wanted me to pass messages on to other family members or friends. I guess I’m an easy mark because I’m open to it!

You are so right when you say you can’t force it, you can’t pay for it, and it won’t be on your timeline. It has been my experience that the messages will come when you are relaxed, least expecting it and when there is something that you or someone else needs to know. You just need to keep your mind open and trust the message will come.

A: Yes indeed, my dear D. I completely agree. You must be relaxed. Being tense and anxious makes you numb to the surprise of it all. You must also know that the sign or message is not God showing off. The sign is a message, and the message is something you need to know. Usually it is a simple message but it is always a needed message: “I am OK. I love you. Pray for me.” That is the thing with signs and with faith as a whole. Faith is not so much about what we need to learn. Faith is about what we need to remember. … The journey of our soul to God does not end at the grave. That is what Tommy taught me when he was alive and that is what Tommy taught me after he died.

(Send ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS to The God Squad via email at godsquadquestion@aol.com. Rabbi Gellman is the author of several books, including “Religion for Dummies,” co-written with Fr. Tom Hartman. Also, the new God Squad podcast is now available.)