Ask Anna: My boyfriend almost had a threesome -- now I'm questioning everything

Anna Pulley, Tribune News Service on

Published in Lifestyles

Dear Anna,

Hello, I recently discovered that, while we were on a break, my boyfriend had conversations with a gay man who offered him a threesome with him and some hot chick. I also know my boyfriend is into pre-op trans women but has never slept with one. So he says, at least.

I don't know what to do with this information and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety thinking he might be gay. The threesome didn't go through, but the thought that he was about to hurts me so much. Please tell me what you think and what you would do. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm honestly afraid he might cheat with other men because, well, I don't have a penis. Thank you so much. — Boyfriend Intrigued by Gays, Unclear Yeah


First, take a deep breath. It's OK to feel confused and anxious about a situation you’ve never encountered before.

It sounds like your boyfriend has explored conversations and thoughts that might be outside of your comfort zone or what you expected. Sure, discovering that your boyfriend wanted to have a mixed-sex threesome falls outside of the bounds many straight women set for their relationships.


(And in case I have to say this, trans women are women — regardless of any modifications they want or don’t want to make to their bodies. Your boyfriend’s attraction to trans women does not make him gay.)

My question is why does the almost-threesome idea hurt you so much? How does a consensual almost-experience that maybe would’ve involved him interacting with a gay man — but also maybe not! — translate to a fear of him cheating on you and leaving you for a man? There are so many steps missing between the first and the second part of that sentence.

Plenty of straight men have (or want to have) MMF threesomes — Zendaya literally just starred in a movie about this (admittedly, I’ve only seen the trailer, but the gist is clear!) — and just as a straight woman can have an FFM threesome without it impacting her sexual identity, so too can a dude have an MMF threesome and still identify as straight.

In fact, according to research by Dr. Ryan Scoats, who somehow has a “Ph.D. in threesomes,” MMF pairings are more “normal” than FFM ones, “partly because it can be more difficult to find partners for an FFM than an MMF threesome.”


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