2018 Odd News holiday gift guide

The $5.95 "comfort food that tastes like comfort food" is a relative bargain compared to the rest of the gifts on this list, and if mac and cheese doesn't sound right to you, candy canes are also available in flavors including pickle, bacon, rotisserie chicken and shellfish-flavored Clamdy Canes.

Drinks by the Dram's Very Old and Rare Whisky Advent Calendar

Maybe there's someone in your life who feels like they've outgrown the magic of Christmas. Maybe you want to spend $13,000 proving them wrong. The Very Old and Rare Whisky Advent Calendar from Drinks by the Dram will restore your loved one's sense of wonder -- or at least get them drunk enough to fake it.

The advent calendar includes 24 small servings of exotic and rare liquors including "complex Japanese whiskys" and a 60-year-old Scotch. The calendar retails for $12,977.19, but hey, Christmas spirit (get it?) doesn't come cheap, Scrooge.

Jimmy Dean sausage-scented wrapping paper

As any true breakfast lover will tell you, the best part of the sausage is the smell (just ask the recipient of your IHOP PancakeWear). Well, now that you have the perfect gifts for your loved ones, why not envelope them in the savory embrace of Jimmy Dean's sausage-scented wrapping paper?

The wrapping paper, part of a promotion that also features a sausage ornament for your tree and an apron printed to resemble an ugly Christmas sweater, doesn't cost any money, but you will need to send the company a picture of your food (ask a Millennial for help with this one).

Argos' Half Parasol Christmas Tree

Finally, you have all the perfect gifts, wrapped neatly in sausage-scented paper. There's only one problem: How are you going to fit all of this loot under your Christmas tree?

The solution: Argos' Half Parasol Christmas Tree. The 6-foot-tall fake fir abruptly goes bald halfway down, providing plenty of space for your generous gifts. The company says the tree is also perfect for protecting the branches from your cats (although keep in mind you might need additional security to keep pets away from the meat-scented paper).

Odd News is not responsible for any injuries, illnesses or decades-long family feuds caused by any of the gifts on this extremely serious, tongue-out-of-cheek list. Merry shopping and happy holidays!