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Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: I have been married to a wonderful man for less than a
year. We are both in our early 40s, educated, with good jobs and have
no children at home. The problem is, my mother-in-law is driving me
crazy. She is a lovely person, but has developed the habit of showing
up without calling.
We have been in our new home for three months. During this time, Mom has visited six times. Two of those were when we invited her for dinner, but the other four were unexpected drop-ins. It's not like we don't see her. We go out to dinner with her once a month, and she has lunch with my husband once a week.
After a phone message saying she was "in the neighborhood," my husband called her to say we were working on a large project and it was not a good time. She left a half-dozen messages saying she is not wanted. She then showed up the next day unannounced.
My father-in-law passed away a year ago. I know Mom is lonely, though she won't admit it. Her constant intrusions are making me dislike her, and this causes her son heartache. I've suggested that when she shows up unannounced, we grab the keys and tell her we are on our way out. Otherwise, I'm ready to sell this place and move far away. Any suggestions? -- Miserable in Missouri
Dear Miserable: Mom shouldn't be coming by unexpectedly. It is your husband's job to tell her that the two of you are still newlyweds and she absolutely must ask before assuming she is welcome. Then help her get involved in other activities. Your widowed mother-in-law apparently doesn't want to be home alone, but it does no one any favors for her to use the two of you as a substitute for a social life.
Dear Annie: I am a 61-year-old male. My wife and I have been friends with "Joe and Meg" for 30 years. We see them infrequently, since they live out of state. When we saw them last month, it was immediately apparent that Meg had received breast enhancement surgery. It was impossible not to notice.
While talking about everything new in our lives, including medical problems, I thought Meg or Joe would make some reference to her breasts. When they didn't, I complimented her on improvements made at "second base." She wrinkled her brow, looked away and mumbled something under her breath.
If I hadn't known her so well, I would have said nothing, but she is a nurse and open-minded. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Why would someone make such an evident physical change in their appearance and be reluctant to acknowledge it? -- Perplexed in Kansas
Dear Perplexed: Oh, dear. Breast enhancements, facelifts, nose jobs and other efforts to look "new and improved," no matter how obvious, should not be mentioned unless the person brings it up. It is akin to remarking on someone's weight gain and is considered rude. Now you know.
Dear Annie: I would like to comment on your reply to "Troubled," the woman who was contemplating whether she fit the role of a minister's wife.
I am a minister's husband. The number of women joining the ministry is increasing rapidly. I am not religious and don't attend church services, nor do I help organize church programs. Your reply perpetuates the stereotype of the male minister, whose wife is expected to be the unpaid organist or youth leader. I am fortunate that there are no stereotypes for what the husband of a minister should be. -- Canada
Dear Canada: You are right that there are often unwarranted expectations for the spouse of a minister, especially a wife. However, male or female, some ministers want a more religiously supportive partner, and others don't care. The important thing is to deal with the expectations before marriage.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 11/08/2009
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Posted Comments:
11-09-2009 15:06
Joy wrote:
What if she had commented on your crotch area?
Her boob job was none of your dang business.
Her boob job was none of your dang business.
11-09-2009 12:19
scrappy indiana wrote:
m-i-l
As many posters noted, the visits do not seem all that frequent. They seem to come out mathematically as about once every two weeks!
While the LW is a newlywed, she might try to remember that her m-i-l was probably married to her husband over 40 years. (presuming he was the father of the 40+ husband and they married prior to his birth) That is an enormous change to adapt to. How would newlywed feel is she suddenly became a widow? Would she rely on family members to help her through a terribly sad and lonely time?
Others have noted the brevity of mortality, the power play, and the opportunity to build a positive relationship. The "dinner once a month" lasts how long, two hours? LW should remember that every night she goes to bed with her husband warm and beside her, her mother-in-law will NEVER be able to do that again. Stop being so blasted selfish!
While the LW is a newlywed, she might try to remember that her m-i-l was probably married to her husband over 40 years. (presuming he was the father of the 40+ husband and they married prior to his birth) That is an enormous change to adapt to. How would newlywed feel is she suddenly became a widow? Would she rely on family members to help her through a terribly sad and lonely time?
Others have noted the brevity of mortality, the power play, and the opportunity to build a positive relationship. The "dinner once a month" lasts how long, two hours? LW should remember that every night she goes to bed with her husband warm and beside her, her mother-in-law will NEVER be able to do that again. Stop being so blasted selfish!
11-09-2009 12:12
scrappy indiana wrote:
body work
Self-mutilation? Sound a bit judgemental tacoma...
I'm afraid the ladies have it dead on. Adults should have learned that any comments regarding another's appearance are dicey when anything less than general and positive. A 61 year old male commenting about a female "friend's" breasts? Come on, it would come across as positively lecherous to me.
At 43 I have no plans for any enhancements, though I'd love to get my skin treated for age spots and braces for my crooked teeth. I wouldn't be uncomfortable discussing it, but any parts covered when swimming in polite groups is nothing I want to discuss with the husband of another couple. Does he ask about their sex life too?
I'm afraid the ladies have it dead on. Adults should have learned that any comments regarding another's appearance are dicey when anything less than general and positive. A 61 year old male commenting about a female "friend's" breasts? Come on, it would come across as positively lecherous to me.
At 43 I have no plans for any enhancements, though I'd love to get my skin treated for age spots and braces for my crooked teeth. I wouldn't be uncomfortable discussing it, but any parts covered when swimming in polite groups is nothing I want to discuss with the husband of another couple. Does he ask about their sex life too?
11-08-2009 22:15
daisy wrote:
comments
Some comments aren't showing. I wish everybody's comment would show instead of being dumped when new ones are posted. It's interesting to see what people have to say and their experiences. I like this column.
11-08-2009 17:13
MuchTrouble wrote:
Miserable in Missouri
Four uninvited visits in 6 months is "excessive"??? Mom is correct when she says she is unwanted. I feel terrible for her, but hope she wises up and finds friends and neighbors that are worthy of her time. Life is too short to waste it on jerks.
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