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Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: My husband is an amazing man. He is selfless and has
uncompromising integrity. He is well-known and well-respected in our
small community. I am proud to be his wife.
I am 19 years my husband's junior, and this, along with his well-deserved reputation, casts a huge shadow over me. I understand some of this can't be helped, but why must people treat me as though I am some kind of accessory? I am a fairly intelligent woman, and although I am attractive, I don't present myself as a bimbo. The real problem, however, is that my husband not only doesn't seem to notice or care when his "fans" treat me rudely, it's almost as if he goes out of his way to be extra nice to these very same people.
I have accused him of building his ego by making me feel inferior. Am I crazy? He claims I am overreacting. His own brother said to me, "You were a nobody until you married my brother." How do you think my husband should react to these situations? -- Mrs. Nobody
Dear Mrs.: He should make it clear that he is also proud of his wife. There is often an assumption when Mr. Big Shot marries a much younger woman that she is simply a trophy wife. Your husband either agrees or likes to give that impression. Women in these marriages have to work quite hard to establish an independent identity. People don't know you. So get on the boards of some charitable foundations. Volunteer at your church. Start a literacy program or a food drive. If you want to develop a reputation as a smart, capable woman, you must do something to promote it instead of relying on your unsupportive husband to do it for you.
Dear Annie: Why is it that whenever my husband and I have a get-together at our home, hardly anyone shows up?
Tonight we contacted several friends to come over for drinks and to listen to music and kick back. Absolutely no one showed up. This is not unusual. It doesn't matter whether it's a planned event or a last-minute thing, the turnout is minimal or nonexistent. Yet, if someone else has a get-together, there are people everywhere. I don't get it. We're fun people. We have a comfy home and many friends, so I thought. And when people do come, we all have a blast.
By the way, this goes for our families, too. My oldest son just graduated high school and is the first in either family to attend college. I went all out for his open house and even reminded everyone to come. Once again, hardly anyone showed up. Not only was I disappointed, my son was crushed. Life should be filled with family and friends. Why is this happening? -- Indiana
Dear Indiana: We have no idea. You could be issuing unclear invitations or having so many get-togethers that people feel they've been there before and can afford to miss some. Invite fewer people less often and see if your invitations become more valued. As for your family, we suggest asking them point-blank what's going on and telling them how disappointed you and your son were that they didn't bother to celebrate his graduation. An honest explanation would be helpful.
Dear Annie: Every year you print a letter from someone complaining about glowing Christmas newsletters. Tell people to read between the lines.
I didn't put in the newsletter that my son dropped out of school and spent time in the hospital for depression. I also left out the years when I considered divorce and the time my other son was arrested for possession of marijuana. I'd rather sift through the events of the year in order to bring to light the few blessings that did occur. -- Focusing on the Blessings
Dear Blessings: That is a lovely idea for others to keep in mind, but it is also important that these newsletters not become brag sheets regardless of the reason.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 11/05/2009
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Posted Comments:
11-05-2009 15:44
smacked wrote:
no show guests
My mom loved to have people too. The problem was smoking. Even though she had lovely, comfortable decor and she'd smoke outside when we were there the house smelled really bad. We tried to tell her but she didn't listen and was used to the smell herself. A few sprays of freshener doesn't cover that BTW.
11-05-2009 14:30
leni wrote:
not a trophy wife
Oh, not again!!!! These letters always begin by saying what a wonderful man they married and then comes the BUT. And the but generally indicates that he's not wonderful at all. In this case though, there's more to it. Not to excuse her husband's behavior but when you marry someone you aren't automatically credited with their virtues. It's her job to earn her reputation, whatever it may be. If she wants to be a respected member of the community who is seen as a strong, intelligent woman she should either be in a career or do volunteer work that will prove her to be that person she would choose to be percieved as.
Perhaps she should take a long hard look in the mirror. Actually that benefits most of us. If we don't like the reputation we have we need to look at what we may have done to earn that reputation.
Perhaps she should take a long hard look in the mirror. Actually that benefits most of us. If we don't like the reputation we have we need to look at what we may have done to earn that reputation.
11-05-2009 10:41
Shana wrote:
Mrs. Nobody
"He is selfless and has uncompromising integrity."..... and yet, he allows people to treat his wife dismissively and insultingly without making any effort to ease her way into a new circle?
Interesting.
Now, of course, I have no way of knowing if she invites these slights or (except for the direct insults from the brother) is even imagining some of the problem but her husband should be helping her get comfortable in her new role, and making it clear (at least to his family) that he is proud to have her at his side and that he did not marry a "nobody".
Interesting.
Now, of course, I have no way of knowing if she invites these slights or (except for the direct insults from the brother) is even imagining some of the problem but her husband should be helping her get comfortable in her new role, and making it clear (at least to his family) that he is proud to have her at his side and that he did not marry a "nobody".
11-05-2009 04:07
daisy wrote:
Focusing on the Blessings
Isn't Christmas supposed to be upbeat? I'd rather hear about what's good in my friends' lives than hear about all that went wrong. Maybe those newsletters are a listing of good events that they are thankful for. I send those holiday newsletters, and nobody wants to hear that the dog died...
11-05-2009 04:02
daisy wrote:
Mrs. Nobody
Mrs. Nobody needs to start reducing the number of events she attends with her unprotective husband. She shouldn't expose herself to individuals she knows will try to hurt her. It's true she should get out and find her own interests. If she's nice looking, try theater in her area. She may find talents she has that nobody else is willing to admit.
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