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Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: My husband's parents are wonderful people in their late
70s, but I am concerned that their kindness is being abused by my
brother-in-law, "Dan," and his wife, "Jane."
Mom and Dad have always been involved in their grandchildren's lives, but lately it has become taxing for them both physically and mentally. Dan and Jane call on them for baby-sitting day and night. Often they drop the three kids off the evening before. My in-laws always oblige, even though the youngest is not even a year old.
Last spring, Dan lost his job. He now is home all day, but the kids are still with Grandma and Grandpa a lot of the time. Twice in the last two months, Dan and Jane strolled in well after 1:00 a.m. and my in-laws had to drive themselves home in the wee hours.
Saturday, Dan dropped the kids off at Mom's while he went golfing with a neighbor. Yet he complains that they don't have enough money to hire a sitter. I have taken Dan's kids when my schedule allows, but I think it is irresponsible for them to expect his parents to be their children's caregivers. I have been biting my tongue, but it is obvious to everyone that they are taking advantage of his parents. Should I speak up? I don't want to cause a family feud. -- Fuming Over Freeloaders
Dear Fuming: Your husband should talk to his brother, explaining that it's becoming difficult for Mom and Dad to take care of such young children, and urge him not to count on them so often. You are a caring daughter-in-law, but to a great extent, this is up to Grandma and Grandpa. Until they decide they've had enough, there's not much you can do.
Dear Annie: My brother "Tim" passed away from cancer two months ago. He had never married.
Within hours, my younger brother and his wife actually went through Tim's house and took what they wanted. My own mother kept all the money from his sympathy cards instead of using it to help pay for a headstone. Even before the funeral, several family members took over Tim's house and property and went through his personal things. Whatever they didn't want, they handed to whoever was around.
I live several states away, and right now, I don't ever want to speak to these relatives again. Your thoughts, please. -- It's Hard Enough To Lose a Loved One
Dear Hard Enough: Some people behave in appalling ways when a loved one dies. What seems like greed could also have been a way for family members to keep something of Tim's to remember him by, although your mother's behavior is hard to excuse. Please try to find a way to forgive them.
Dear Annie: Touche to "Put Some Clothes On," who complained about the way some women dress.
If one of my girls looked like a burlesque queen, she wouldn't get past me, let alone out the front door. I've taught my daughters, granddaughters and great-granddaughters: "If you advertise, it means you have something to sell." -- Great-Grandma in Sarasota, Fla.
Dear Grandma: Cheers to you. We're sure no one even tried escaping out your back door.
Dear Readers: Happy Halloween. Please dress your trick-or-treaters in flame-retardant costumes that don't obstruct walking or vision, and be sure an adult accompanies them. And when you tuck them into bed, don't forget to change your clocks back one hour and replace the batteries in your smoke alarms.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 10/31/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-31-2009 15:28
Debra wrote:
Wills
My sister in law found out her father had a stoke and suddently showed up all concerned. Then she went to his home and destroyed everything. My husband and his brothers found a handfull of pictures. The rest were shredded. Anything she could sell she did. They finally found the will. They found out she had already had a copy. It left my husband as executor. The land and houses are taken care of the way his father wanted. But they can never have those pictures, or other comfort items. She never visted her father or came to the funeral. It was like a hit and run.
10-31-2009 15:02
greens wrote:
hard enough
this is why people have wills. in this case, the brother died of cancer so he knew the end was coming. he had an opportunity to pass things on as he wished. it's my experience that what is normally left is the clutter of a person's life that someone else is left to clean up. rarely are these belongings "treasures".
if the sister wasn't stuck having to haul things to the dump, sort through a mountain of paperwork to find anything important, etc. she should count herself lucky.
it does amaze me that someone will actually haul off, let alone fight over some used sofa! personally i always take the aluminum foil and a cookie sheet- period. at least it's something i can use and no one is mad i got the aluminum foil!
my husband has one brother living and one deceased. we found his mother dead a couple years ago. i collected the family photos, gave them to my brother-in-law with instructions to pick out a few for us. i had him come get what he wanted (which was very little). the former sister-in-law we hadn't seen in 10 years showed up and took anything i would let her have-which was everything. let her hauls off an apartment full of junk and make $200 having yard sales! i think it's easier when the deceased is in a rental as everything HAS to be handled quickly. the difference here is at the start, i called my brother-in-law and asked if he wanted to clean out mom's place or did he want me to do it. if he wanted me to do it come get everything he wants and kiss the rest goodbye.
if the sister wasn't stuck having to haul things to the dump, sort through a mountain of paperwork to find anything important, etc. she should count herself lucky.
it does amaze me that someone will actually haul off, let alone fight over some used sofa! personally i always take the aluminum foil and a cookie sheet- period. at least it's something i can use and no one is mad i got the aluminum foil!
my husband has one brother living and one deceased. we found his mother dead a couple years ago. i collected the family photos, gave them to my brother-in-law with instructions to pick out a few for us. i had him come get what he wanted (which was very little). the former sister-in-law we hadn't seen in 10 years showed up and took anything i would let her have-which was everything. let her hauls off an apartment full of junk and make $200 having yard sales! i think it's easier when the deceased is in a rental as everything HAS to be handled quickly. the difference here is at the start, i called my brother-in-law and asked if he wanted to clean out mom's place or did he want me to do it. if he wanted me to do it come get everything he wants and kiss the rest goodbye.
10-31-2009 11:21
East of Eden wrote:
Hard Enough
Turn your back and walk away from these people. That happened to one of my aunts - after my uncle died, her niece (they had no children), their priest, and their lawyer (a lifelong friend) cleaned her out (she had alzheimers). Believe me, those people paid the price for their avarice and inhumanity. There is an old saying: what goes around comes around. Those people who literally robbed your brother will pay for it in the end - you can be sure of it. Walk away from these sub-humans and wash your hands of them.
10-31-2009 11:18
East of Eden wrote:
Fuming
Concerned as you are, do not say a word to the in-laws or the out-laws. That is up to your husband. If you speak up, you could cause an irreperable rift in the family. You in-laws are old enough to speak up for themselves and obviously, they have not seen the need so to do and...neither has your husband. I'm guessing that it's 50/50 that you are genuinely concerned or that you're butting in where you should not. Either way, say nothing. It's their business and not yours.
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