Learning to Look on the Bright Side, Chinese Style
2) Virtually anything lawmakers do -- short of, perhaps, murdering puppies -- will be viewed as progress by voters.
3) 9 percent is better than 8 percent!
4) Congress' complete incompetence makes anything regular Americans accomplish seem, by comparison, impressive. This includes managing a bank account, walking without falling down and speaking to another human without lying.
5) This is the least productive Congress ever, having passed only 55 laws this year. Laws are made to be broken, so the fewer laws we have, the fewer laws we'll break. That will keep hard-working Americans out of jail.
One final problem to address. We currently owe China about $1.3 trillion, the Statue of Liberty and most of Utah. That sounds daunting, but only if you ignore the five advantages that come with such substantial debt:
1) Owing this much money has taught Americans what comes after "a billion."
2) At least we don't owe it to the Canadians. They don't even have decent smog.
3) Americans will have heartwarming bonding experiences while learning to speak Chinese.
4) America's childhood obesity problem will be wiped out when our children are given "glorious manufacturing jobs" that include calorie-burning 19-hour shifts.
5) Our new Chinese leaders will undoubtedly be more popular than the current Congress. And there's a pretty good chance they'll get more done, as well.
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Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at rhuppke@tribune.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.
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