Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to ...Read more

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.

The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".

Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's...Read more

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out ...Read more

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them...Read more

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial ...Read more

For your entertainment, more actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.

- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a ...Read more

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How ...Read more

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed ...Read more

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the ...Read more

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man ...Read more

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was...Read more

It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and the little boy turned to his mother. "Mommy?" he said.

"Yes, darling?" his mother replied.

"It's raining very hard, isn't it?" the little boy asked.

"Yes, it is," the mother answered.

"Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and ...Read more

- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried ...Read more

An Anteater walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him is he wants a beer, and the anteater responds, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo.."

The bartender says, "Okay, would you like a water?"

"Nooooooooooooooooo..."

Finally, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's with the long nose?"

So Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide to make a movie about classical musicians.

But they all had to pick a part so Sly goes first and says he wants to be Handel because that's his favorite.

Jackie goes next and says he wants to be Mozart because he kicks behind.

Then Arnold said, "I'll be Bach"

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going...Read more

- If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life ...Read more

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look- alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."