Q: My son’s father and I share our 13-year-old's time equally, but his dad always seems to want more time. Why he thinks he deserves more than half, I don’t know, but that’s the impression he gives. My son will be comfortably watching TV when his father will call and tell him something to lure him away from my home—he just bought a puppy, just bought a pingpong table, he bought him that new phone he wanted, and all will be available “when he gets home.” So, my son tells me he wants to go to dad’s and his dad comes to pick him up. I can’t say, “No, you can’t go to your dad’s." What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: Forbidding your child to go to his other parent’s home would not be good co-parenting, but there’s more going on here than purchasing some cool stuff for your child and wanting to tell him about it. Enticing the child with purchases while he is at the other home undermines the child’s desire to spend time with his other parent. This is done with intent, and if allowed to fester, this alienating behavior will be extremely damaging to your child. It is centered on undermining the child’s desire to spend time with his other parent and that is not in the child’s best interest.

What IS in the child’s best interest is to have a loving, caring relationship with both parents. And it is each parent’s responsibility to support the child in having that relationship.

If your child prefers to be at one home than another, that’s a red flag to check your co-parenting. Sometimes that is inevitable. I’ve had kids tell me they prefer one home over the other because they like their bed better at one home. But if the reason for their preference is something that the parents are doing—like luring them away with material possessions—shame on you. That’s really poor ex-etiquette and downright poor parenting, as well.

Another red flag in this scenario is when a parent refers to their house as “home” in direct comparison to the other parent’s residence. This implies the child isn’t really “home” unless he is with (in this case) his father. Dad is the real parent. The other parent is sort of a stand-in parent until the child returns “home.” All this is done subliminally by merely calling one house home and the other house “your mother’s house” or “your father’s house.”

The best course of action for both parents at this point is to agree that purchases are not weapons to lure the child from one home to the other. If something is purchased while the child is at the other parent’s home, they must wait to notify and give it to the child when the child returns. Most importantly, these parents must learn to respect each other and the child’s time with the other parent. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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