Father Asks Newly Employed Child For Money

DEAR HARRIETTE: I find myself in a difficult situation with my father. I recently graduated from college and secured a job, but my father keeps asking me for money. The challenging part is that he didn't contribute financially to my college education, and he hasn't supported me financially since before I turned 18. While I understand that he may be facing difficulties of his own, it feels like my accomplishments are seen as a means to provide for him.

I worked hard to earn my degree and establish myself in my career, and I had hoped that my family would take pride in my achievements rather than view me solely as a source of financial assistance. I want to support my father, but I also feel frustrated and resentful of his constant requests for money. How do I set boundaries without causing strain on our relationship? I want to find a solution that honors both my father's needs and my own financial stability and independence. -- What Is My Duty?

DEAR WHAT IS MY DUTY?: This is a difficult situation. On one hand, your job is to become independent now. For many college graduates, it doesn't happen so quickly, and they continue to rely on their parents for years. Good for you that you can begin to be self-sufficient.

It may seem impossible to deny your father, so maybe you shouldn't. The two of you could establish a budget. What can you afford to give him on a monthly basis? Define a specific amount, and the next time he asks for money, give him that. If he asks for more, apologize and tell him you have no more to give. You don't have to tell him that you have allocated a monthly allowance for him, but you can have it available on reserve in case he asks.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Dating my girlfriend can be costly. She is the most amazing person I know; she's thoughtful, kind and a joy to be around. However, she always prefers to dine at pricey restaurants. While we take turns paying for dates, it is hard to keep up with the expenses. She is accustomed to this lifestyle from her upbringing, and I understand that. I feel hesitant to discuss this with her, as I feel embarrassed about not making more. -- Expensive Girlfriend

DEAR EXPENSIVE GIRLFRIEND: It is essential for you to be honest with your girlfriend. If the reality is that you cannot keep up with the cost of being in relationship with her, she needs to know. It may also be that you don't want to spend all of your money on immediate pleasures. What about the future? If you like this woman enough to consider being with her long-term, put your foot down. Admit that you can't afford to keep up, and you don't want to drain your bank account in the ways that you two have been doing. Decide what you are willing to afford on a monthly basis to entertain her. Tell her what that amount is, and see how she responds.

Beyond that, though, think about what you really want. If this woman is worth it, tell her your thoughts for the future, and learn if you two can get on the same page. If not, it's best to let her go now before you get too wrapped up in each other.

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)