Daughter Upset When Parents Cut Her Off

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have recently made a decision that's caused a lot of tension in our family, particularly with our 22-year-old daughter. She now has a stable full-time job, and we've decided to cut off her financial support completely. Understandably, she's extremely upset about this. We've always striven to provide for our daughter and support her in every way possible. However, we've reached a point where we feel it's time for her to become fully independent and take control of her finances. We believe that by cutting off her financial support, she'll learn valuable lessons about responsibility and self-reliance. While we stand by our decision, we're struggling with how to handle our daughter's emotional reaction. She feels betrayed and abandoned, which breaks our hearts. We never intended to hurt her, but we're unsure of how to reassure her and help her understand our perspective. Is there a way to ease her distress while still standing firm in our decision? -- Independence

DEAR INDEPENDENCE: My question is whether this move was sudden. Did you discuss your plan with her so that she could prepare? Did you help her to think about the time when she would become independent so that she could evaluate her life and decide how to move forward as an independent adult? If not, you failed to do an important part of your job. You say that in the past you have provided for her in "every way possible." That suggests that she has not had to be uncomfortable about money, experience the need to budget or make choices based on how much money she has, etc.

While I agree that it is important for grown children to learn to adult, i.e. fully care for themselves, I see far too often that overprotective and indulgent parents make it confusing for them to know how to take those important independent steps. Perhaps you can ease your daughter into independence by teaching her how to manage her money and plan rather than just cutting her off with no warning.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I wanted to add some additional suggestions regarding your response to "Just Graduated," the writer who was afraid that her stage fright would cause her to botch job interviews. You provided many good suggestions. Additionally, the writer should consider the following:

-- This stage fright is perfectly normal. Everyone has it.

-- SLOW DOWN when you talk. This will help you avoid tripping over words.

-- Tuck a small mint in the back of your mouth. This will prevent the nervous dry mouth reaction.

I also wanted to underscore your suggestion of practicing responses out loud. This will help tremendously. -- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for your additional notes on facing and overcoming stage fright. I teach a class on public speaking that includes the recommendations you have offered, and then some. I appreciate you bringing them up because little things can make all the difference in becoming comfortable when you have to put yourself out there. I forgot about the mint! That is such a good and simple idea. Knowing that we are all similar -- we all can get nervous and get over it -- should be comforting to anyone who is facing a moment where they have to put themselves out there.

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)