A Note to Caregivers
Dear Readers: A recent column about the caregiver who felt worn out prompted a deluge of letters, mostly from others who are, or have been, caregivers themselves. As I read the letters, I thought of the fact that airlines tell mothers to put on their own oxygen masks first and then help their children. Here is a sampling of the letters we received:
Dear Annie: Please add to the caregiver ("Not Good Enough") that human beings have a finite mental capacity for each day. This is why Steve Jobs wore a black turtleneck and jeans every day; it left him mental room for more important decisions.
Caregiver is mentally exhausted due to the load he or she is carrying and needs to find ways to lessen that burden. Too many people don't realize the impact of stress on functionality and hold themselves to too high a standard.
Caregiver should decide what tasks are most important for them, get help with things that are needed but that others could do, and focus on the tasks that would make them feel happy and productive. -- Therapist in Illinois
Dear Annie: First, let me start by saying that reading your column is the marriage to my morning cup of coffee. I have never responded or written to you, but I just read about the caregiver who is taking care of their partner and is overtaken by exhaustion. Your response was to seek community support, local resources, etc. You neglected to also suggest seeing her physician, as there may be underlying health issues that are causing her exhaustion. Taking care of herself is taking care of her loved one! Thank you for the caring advice over the years. Everyone can relate to someone else's life challenges. -- Helping the Caregiver
Dear Annie: Depression is a common occurrence in caregivers. There are support groups online for caregivers of dementia, Alzheimer's and other conditions. While you may feel absolutely alone, there are others who are going through almost the same thing you are. You already reached out, writing to Annie -- that's an incredible first step, and if you do a quick Google search on caregiver support groups, many resources can pop up. Maybe some local support groups, but most likely online groups.
I'm the sole caregiver of my husband with severe combat-related PTSD; he is in his early 30s. The online support I found is amazing, because the people I know in person do not have real life experience with the everyday struggles that we have. It's so helpful to have a support system, even if it's just a message online asking if you're OK from someone who knows what you're going through. Caregiving isn't for the faint of heart; you are your husband's lifeline, and in order to be the best for him, you have to take care of yourself, too. Keep going, it's not an easy road and it doesn't get easier, but you don't have to go it alone. You've got this! -- Another Caregiver
Dear Annie: Having been a caregiver, I know firsthand how this lady feels. When you are taking care of everything, you are forgetting about your needs, and one of the most important is your own health. Please take care of yourself so you don't end up with a bad disease like I did. You are suffering from stress and that's why you are tired, which could damage your health. If family isn't close, contact a church, neighbors or even some online help. I wish my husband was still here but wish I would have taken care of me, too. -- Been There
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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
