Ask Amy: Daughter pays for mother’s abusive behavior
Dear Amy: Have I been gaslighted?
My mother was a difficult person. She was often not nice to my sister-in-law.
I admired my SIL for taking the high road and for being respectful toward my mother, and I told her so many times.
I bumped heads big time with my mother, too, but had a good last six years when she moved near me and dementia mellowed her out.
My mother died five years ago and my sister-in-law reminds me often of how awful she was (my brother has no fond memories of childhood, and lets his wife do the talking).
The last time my SIL brought this up, I stopped her and said that although her experiences are valid, this is my mother and she is dead now, and I find it offensive to keep hearing about it.
I validated her feelings and told her again how much I admired her.
Initially she apologized, but afterward apparently decided that I was wrong. She is now quite angry with me, and said she prefers to work through this in therapy. After I tried to reach out, she says she doesn't want to talk about it.
I care for her and I like her, my brother and their children, but I’m upset about this.
I feel like making me the bad guy here is gaslighting.
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