-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

-- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

-- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

-- How can there be self-help "groups"?

-- Is there another word for synonym?

-- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

-- The speed of time is one-second per second.

--...Read more

My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant.

"They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said.

"On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us. "ALL our first-class passengers ...Read more

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn't work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give a convicted felon the min- imum prison time possible.When the ...Read more

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it ...Read more

... continued from above

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to ...Read more

... continued from above

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

... continued from above

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Continued below...

Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.

Jimmy Fallon

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised...Read more

Housewife: "How did you know I was home? My son told you I was out"

Salesman: "It was easy Lady. He was mowing the lawn."

... continued from above

Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any...Read more

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “

If they...Read more

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same ...Read more

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug

In politics, if you ...Read more