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Inside the GOP Response to the Jan. 6 Hearings: If All Else Fails, Start Chanting ‘LOCK HER UP!’

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

Through one of my well-placed (and possibly imaginary) sources, I have received this VERY NOT MADE UP text of a speech delivered this week during a Zoom meeting attended by thousands of Republican lawmakers and right-wing pundits:

Hi, everyone, and welcome to today’s GOP Talking-Point Response Planning session. Hail Trump!

(pause for mandatory “Hail Trump!” response)

We’re here today so I can run you through our plans for a patriotic, America-first response to the Democrats’ outrageous, toxic, backward-looking, Communist-kangaroo-court House select committee hearings on the so-called “Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol.”

(pause for groans/boos)

To start with, we will claim that Jan. 6 does not exist. If you reference the desk calendar you received with your minimum $500 donation to the Donald Trump “Walkin’ Around Money” Fund, there is a Jan. 5 and a Jan. 7, but no Jan. 6. So there couldn’t have been a domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol on that day, because that day is a fabrication cooked up by left-wing calendar makers, likely sponsored by antifa.

 

Also, because Democrats claim Jan. 6 is the day the election of “Sleepy” Joe Biden was certified, we know that must be fake and President Trump is still president. Pretty simple stuff, really.

(pause for boos and misplaced chants of “Lock her up!”)

Because we know the Democrats and their lap dogs in the fact-obsessed lamestream media will insist on covering the Jan. 6 committee investigation as if it’s a real thing rooted in concern for the future of our democracy, we must be prepared to rebut their findings and any testimony that comes forth.

The first line of defense, as always, is to use what the left calls “a false equivalence,” or what we call “a good equivalence,” because it’s extremely effective at getting our base to not waste time on notoriously liberal activities like “gathering information,” “thinking” or “separating fact from fiction.”

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