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Politics

I Turned 50 and AARP Started Sending Me Mail; I Had to Find Out Why

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

I have a secret to reveal: I’m part of a vast left-wing conspiracy hellbent on turning patriotic Americans into Marxist drones by giving them better health care and making it easier to vote.

Just kidding. That’s no secret!

The REAL secret I’ve been harboring is this: Earlier this year, under cover of night, I turned 50.

I know, it’s shocking. I have the calves of a 30-year-old marathoner and the looks of a young George Clooney. But the calendar doesn’t lie.

I decided to keep this arbitrarily momentous January birthday quiet because we were still largely pandemic-bound. There was no way to safely accommodate the requisite celebrity-packed party, Air Force fighter jet flyover and fireworks display.

No, I declared to my wife and kids, I will hold off on turning 50 until next year.

 

But then something unjust and terrible happened. Something that shook me to my core.

I started getting mail from AARP.

When the first envelope arrived, I threw it out, assuming it was delivered accidentally and intended for someone at a nearby retirement community or cemetery.

Then a second letter arrived. I glanced at the name in the address box. Rex Huppke.

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