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Trump’s coronavirus vaccine is coming … in two weeks! And it will make you more patriotic.

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

Hello, fellow patriots. My name is Rex Huppke and I’m a proud member of President Donald Trump’s Council On Patriotism-Inducing Coronavirus Vaccines That Will Be Ready In Two Weeks.

We here at the Council On Patriotism-Inducing Coronavirus Vaccines That Will Be Ready In Two Weeks have a surprise announcement: President Trump will soon introduce a patriotism-inducing coronavirus vaccine! And do you know how soon it will be ready? In two weeks!

Much like President Trump’s truly amazing health care plan, which will also be ready in two weeks, as it has been for the past four years, this vaccine will be the best thing to ever happen to America.

That’s because it will not only protect you from COVID-19 (COVID-19 protection not guaranteed), it will also dramatically enhance your patriotism by erasing any education you received that focused on negative parts of America’s past.

If you thought slavery was a dark chapter in American history, worry no more. This vaccine, much like President Trump’s recently announced National Commission to Promote Patriotic Education, will whitewash (emphasis on the white!) any American historical blemishes.

“Many young Americans have been fed lies about America being a wicked nation plagued by racism,” Trump said while announcing the new commission Thursday.

 

Now we’re a nation plagued by an actual plague, and also plagued by liberals teaching children that racism might exist. It’s hard to know which is worse!

But the good news is a perfectly safe (safety, perfect or otherwise, not guaranteed) vaccine is going to wipe out both those plagues — and it’s coming in two weeks!

Some of you all are probably thinking, “Gosh, I know Donald Trump is incredibly smart and the greatest president in American history, but how is it possible that he can produce a coronavirus vaccine so quickly and manage to, completely coincidentally, deliver it right before the presidential election?”

Good question, some of you! The answer is simple. The president is using outside-the-box thinking and ignoring the tired vaccine path usually followed by swamp-dwelling politicians and people who understand medicine.

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