Rex Huppke: Trump should pull GOP convention from North Carolina, put in on cruise ships off the coast of Mar-a-Lago
The Republican National Convention, a humbly massive celebration of the awesomeness of President Donald Trump, is scheduled for August in North Carolina, but it may have to relocate.
“Why?” you ask, your voice not muffled by the tyranny of a liberal coronavirus mask. Because, as President Trump tweeted on Memorial Day, taking time away from honoring his many sacrifices, the state’s “Democrat Governor” is “still in Shutdown mood & unable to guarantee that by August we will be allowed full attendance in the Arena.”
The nerve of that governor, suggesting that 50,000 visitors to Charlotte and a capacity crowd at the city’s 20,000-seat Spectrum Center might pose a public health threat during the COVID-19 pandemic. Sure, the highly contagious virus has already killed about 100,000 Americans, and many states, including North Carolina, are still seeing increasing numbers of new cases and deaths. But what about things that really matter, like giving President Trump an enormous audience to make him feel loved?
Do North Carolinians really think their health is more important than welcoming 50,000 potential disease vectors to the state to deliver an appropriate level of presidential adoration?
In his tweets, Trump demanded that Gov. Roy Cooper give Republicans the all-clear for August’s convention: “They must be immediately given an answer by the Governor as to whether or not the space will be allowed to be fully occupied. If not, we will be reluctantly forced to find, with all of the jobs and economic development it brings, another Republican National Convention site.”
Cooper’s office responded: “State health officials are working with the RNC and will review its plans as they make decisions about how to hold the convention in Charlotte. North Carolina is relying on data and science to protect our state’s public health and safety.”
Data and science? Who do they think they’re dealing with, Democrats? This is about gut instinct, and Trump’s gut is telling him he’s bored of the coronavirus, the 100,000 people who died were just faking it to make him look bad, and he wants to hear people chant his name loudly without masks.
So I have a perfect idea. Give North Carolina a patriotic one-finger salute, drive the GOP National Convention down the east coast of Florida, take a left at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago beach resort and keep going about 10 miles out into the Atlantic Ocean. There you will find several Carnival cruise ships tied together with Freedom Rope, ready to host thousands of eager Republicans.
Those of you who lack foresight are probably asking, “Why would the GOP want to hold its convention on conjoined cruise ships off the coast of Florida during peak hurricane season rather than just working with North Carolina health officials to provide a safe, scientifically sound event?”
You people who lack foresight sure are dumb. The reasons are quite simple: