Politics, Moderate



Megan Rapinoe and US women's soccer take on the wretched, mole-people-descended English

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

The U.S. women's soccer team's captivating World Cup journey continues Tuesday as Megan Rapinoe, Carli Lloyd, Alex Morgan and the squad take on the team from England, a small and largely inconsequential island off the coast of Europe.

Yes, despite all that long-standing blah-blah about America's "special relationship" with the United Kingdom -- which is England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and EuroDisney -- the truth is that we Americans left England for a reason and have never looked back.

It's a dreary place with a dreadful history, one that that has been whitewashed by "historians," "facts," "elementary school teachers" and other opportunists. The myth of English decency and accomplishment is so entrenched that some will consider the facts herein to be nothing more than a childish newspaper columnist's attempt to inflame tensions between rival nations prior to a crucial game, or "match," as the English stupidly call it.

Some will go so far as to accuse me of having previously dabbled in such low-brow journalistic shenanigans, but they are wrong, except for that time the Chicago Blackhawks were playing the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup Final and I wrote that Floridians "subsist on a diet of rattlesnake meat and crystal meth." Or the time when the Chicago Cubs faced the St. Louis Cardinals in the playoffs and I gave St. Louis the nickname: "Horrible Garbage City." Or, possibly, the time the Cubs took on the San Francisco Giants in the playoffs and I wrote, accurately, that San Francisco was "built atop a sprawling mound of fossilized dinosaur dung."

Setting aside those momentary lapses of decorum, I assure you, as the Statue of Liberty is my witness, that everything I'm about to tell you about England is true and should serve as a rallying cry for our mighty women's national team as they take on the wretched English.

Britain was ruled by the Romans, a truly sensible people, up until about 400 AD, at which time they left in disgust, unable to get the native race of mole people who inhabited the islands to stay sober.

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England was then taken over by barbarians. According to an actual lecture series by Philip Daileader, a history professor at The College of William and Mary in Virginia: "They spoke Germanic languages; they were still pagans worshiping Norse gods such as Thor and Odin, and they were illiterate as well."

The dimwitted barbarians bred with the native mole people and created the precursor to the modern-day English person: a pale-skinned illiterate with a subconscious predilection for hammer-wielding deities and occasional cravings for grubs and earthworms.

The English people, through an as-yet-unexplained evolutionary malfunction, managed to defy natural selection and prosper, right up until the year 1620. That's when a small group of the nation's most exceptional citizens -- likely descendants of the few Romans who didn't make it out -- concluded England was so abominable they would sooner take their chances at sea than endure one more day of mole people driving on the wrong side of the road.

Those pilgrims made it to America and founded a country so toweringly confident its people would one day elect as president an overglorified realtor with acute narcissism and authoritarian tendencies just to show off their democracy's ability to survive.


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