As one of America's pre-eminent journalists, I have close ties to the White House and was able to obtain this extremely authentic and in no way fabricated advance copy of President Donald Trump's upcoming State of the Union address.
Breaking with tradition, he has titled it: "The State of MY Union Show."
It is, as you might expect, the best address ever given:
Mr. Speaker, MY Vice President, MY generals, MY Republican members of Congress, LOSER Democrats, distinguished guests, (CHECK TO MAKE SURE MELANIA SHOWED UP) my beautiful wife and your First Lady (DON'T SAY STORMY, DON'T SAY STORMY, DON'T SAY STORMY) Melania, and fellow Americans:
It is such an honor for you to sit before me and be part of this grand tradition. I am here to tell you that the state of my union is strong, really the best it has ever been. Many are saying that, they've really never seen anything so amazing as this union, which is mine, because I'm president and I'm in charge and so it's my union, and it's the best.
It's so good, really. There are Make America Great Again hats for sale in the lobby. Get one after the show to show your support for our great country.
In just one year as your president, I have created more wealth than any president in history and I have broken all the other records for everything and I have not made a single mistake. Not one. People tell me that, they say, "Donald, of course you're great at being president, everyone knew you would be great, you're great at everything, but how do you do it without making a single mistake?" They're really amazed, and I just say, "Look, it's just what I do. I don't make mistakes. Never have. Not one. It's good genes is what it really is."
(PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE, PROBABLY A VERY LONG PAUSE BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO BE APPLAUDING SO MUCH BECAUSE THEY'VE NEVER HEARD A SPEECH THIS GOOD.)
Isn't this a great room? It's a nice room, folks. Lovely. But maybe next year we'll do this at the Trump Hotel here in D.C. Have you seen it? It's an unbelievable place, people say it's the best hotel, really, that they've ever seen.
Stay at the Trump Hotel, folks. On each chair tonight there is a coupon for 10 percent off our Sunday brunch, enjoy that. Just a gift from your favorite president. I even put coupons on the Democrats' chairs, but they only get 5 percent off!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER BECAUSE THAT WAS A VERY FUNNY JOKE.)
OK, back to the state of my union. Have you seen the stock market lately? Boom. I mean, c'mon. Businesses love Trump. Under Obama, there was no money -- NO ... MONEY. Nobody made any money, folks. Now under Trump, people have money, everybody does, so much.
The haters in the Fake News media -- aren't they the worst, folks? -- won't tell you about this. They say I inherited this economy from Obama. Can you believe that?
These awful people in the media, they just want to drag Trump down. They want to talk about Russia. Russia! Let me tell you, I have nothing to do with Russia. I don't even know where Russia is -- don't care. I care about America -- AMERICA FIRST!
(NOD HEAD AS PEOPLE APPLAUD -- THEY LOVE YOU.)
What I will tell you about Russia is they have a very good leader. Very good. Putin. He's tough, and I like his style. Good looking too. We are good friends, but not because I colluded -- there was no collusion, folks, no collusion, believe me. FAKE NEWS!
Have you seen my daughter Ivanka tonight? Ivanka, where are you, stand up, honey. Beautiful. Isn't she beautiful, folks? So beautiful.
(DON'T STARE TOO LONG.)
I have other kids too. They're good.
Buy a hat.
I am doing a fantastic job, really, this country is so lucky to have me. Especially the blacks. I have helped the blacks so much. Have you seen the unemployment numbers? It went from like 50 percent down to now, which is basically nothing, really. It's basically zero unemployment. Where are my black Republicans? They should be clapping because I've done so much.
(WAIT FOR CLAPPING BY THE BLACKS TO STOP.)
Jay-Z tried to attack me the other day, but I said, "Look how well the blacks are doing?" He's a loser, I don't care what he thinks. Total nobody.
In conclusion, everyone loves America now and I get an A-plus. Everyone loves me.
Make America Great Again! Fake News! Robert Mueller is on a witch hunt! Deep State! I NEVER EVEN MET STORMY DANIELS!
God bless all of you, even Cryin' Chuck Schumer and the other haters. Tune in next year. Thank you, and good night!
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)