Today in gross America: Gropey prez endorses pervy judge in Alabama Senate race
So let's keep going: "Republican president who said he grabs women by their private parts and used to stroll into beauty pageant dressing rooms while young contestants were naked offers direct endorsement of Republican Senate candidate from Alabama accused of taking a 14-year-old girl to his house, removing her shirt and pants and touching her over her bra and underwear."
Or this: "Republican president who denied repeated accusations of sexual misconduct and said he would sue his accusers but never did says Alabama man once banned from a shopping mall for repeatedly flirting with teen girls should be elected to U.S. Senate because he will vote against Democrats."
This takes a slightly different but no-less-accurate tack: "Law-and-order president who spent weekend denouncing nation's top law-enforcement agency endorses Republican Senate candidate from Alabama who is accused of repeated sexual misconduct with minors and was twice removed from Alabama Supreme Court for refusing to enforce federal law."
Also: "President who launched anti-Muslim birther conspiracy against Obama offers full-throated endorsement of Alabama Senate candidate who supported birther conspiracy, said homosexuality should be illegal and claimed Sept. 11 terror attacks were God's way of punishing America for immoral behavior."
OK, since you're still here -- and I truly admire the distance you've come from this column's headline; it's quite impressive -- let's weave it all together into the perfect, comprehensive, unassailable headline that even residents of Gross America should be able to consume without getting distracted. Deep breath, everyone:
"Racist-conspiracy-theory-hurling alleged-Christian president incapable of proper capitalization and accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, including Cassandra Searles, who said, 'He continually grabbed my ass and invited me to his hotel room,' directly endorses reputed Alabama teen-luster and racist-conpiracy-theory-hurling alleged-Christian Roy Moore -- who stands accused of inappropriate sexual contact with several women when they were teenagers and acknowledged that he was first attracted to his eventual wife when he saw her at a dance recital in her early teens -- for Senate seat despite former judge's past refusals to follow federal law and openly bigoted views on gay people and inability to get into an Alabama mall because he was banned for being a creep."
Sometimes the headline is all you need.
Of course, if that's too much for those unwilling to peruse the facts that come below the headline, I suppose we can just give Gross America what it needs, short and sweet: "Perv prez promotes mall creeper."
That pretty much says it all.
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)