ArcaMax

This is a story about a good dog. A lake dog, to be specific.

His name was Cooper. I introduced the world to him back in 2016 after a family trip to Great Bear Lake in Michigan. We rented a place on the lake and soon met a friendly, wet, muddy golden-Labrador-ish canine who was, to put it mildly, a real presence.

He would show up unannounced, ...Read more

Guys, I’m a little worried about our neighbor Boeing’s moral compass.

In the wake of the Jan. 6 domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol, the Chicago-based defense contractor and manufacturer of big flying thingies (sorry about the fancy aerospace lingo) joined other major corporations in halting political contributions.

On Jan. 13, ...Read more

Florida’s board of education, following the lead of other Republican-run states, has outlawed the teaching of “critical race theory” in schools, a decision that will help children in the sweltering, flat Sunshine State about as much as outlawing toboggans.

Standing on the firm evidentiary platform of having zero evidence that critical ...Read more

I have a secret to reveal: I’m part of a vast left-wing conspiracy hellbent on turning patriotic Americans into Marxist drones by giving them better health care and making it easier to vote.

Just kidding. That’s no secret!

The REAL secret I’ve been harboring is this: Earlier this year, under cover of night, I turned 50.

I know, it’s ...Read more

As President Joe Biden continues his push to get 70% of American adults vaccinated against the coronavirus by July 4, he’s getting help from celebrities and launching massive public information campaigns.

On Wednesday, he announced that YMCAs and three other national child care providers will watch kids for free while parents or caregivers ...Read more

Hello, I am a very serious Republican lawmaker and I am here to protect you, the American patriot, from the trio of terrors known as wokeness, critical race theory and cultural Marxism.

I will not waste your precious, American-patriot time defining any of those three terms, as I’m sure you know exactly what they mean from hearing them ...Read more

I have an edgy thought: Maybe America should do something about all its shootings.

I use the vague word “something” because it compliments the vague word “nothing,” which is what America currently does about all its shootings.

Come to think of it, “all its shootings” is a bit vague as well, which is fine, as it can apply to any day...Read more

If you’ve ever wondered what you can do to help your country, ever wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself, now is your chance: Speak up and speak out, loudly and often, about the lie that the 2020 presidential election was rigged or stolen or somehow sullied by massive voter fraud.

The Big Lie has evolved from the narcissistic ...Read more

Americans deserve to know the answer to a question I made up: Did Fox News host Tucker Carlson, who has been doing all he can to raise doubts about the safety of the COVID-19 vaccines, actually get vaccinated by Dr. Anthony Fauci while high-fiving President Joe Biden?

I doubt it, but on Monday, I sent the following tweet to my 79,000 Twitter ...Read more

Dear anyone rich enough to buy my newspaper:

Hi there! I’m sure you’re busy, and I don’t mean to be a bother, but I was wondering if you might consider purchasing the Chicago Tribune and rescuing this civic institution from the clutches of a hedge fund that has done to newspapers what lawn mowers do to azaleas.

If you’re unfamiliar ...Read more

Federal investigators had the gall to execute a so-called search warrant on the New York City apartment of my hero and close personal friend Rudy Giuliani, America’s mayor and former lawyer to the most honest president we’ve ever had, Donald J. Trump.

Suffice it to say I am OUTRAGED. I am unfamiliar with the case, have not read the search ...Read more

President Joe Biden has no plan whatsoever to reduce Americans’ consumption of red meat. But I have it on good authority that Republicans, including thought leaders such as Donald Trump Jr. and Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, want Americans to start consuming large amounts of human flesh.

I’ll get to the GOP’s new pro-cannibalism stance in a ...Read more

I would love a COVID-19 vaccine passport. After more than a year in full or partial quarantine, I’m so happy to be vaccinated I want to get the words “FULLY” and “VAXXED” tattooed on my butt and run naked through the streets. (Don’t worry, I won’t. America has suffered enough.)

Unpfortunately … sorry, that’s a side epffect opf...Read more

Adam Toledo was a kid and a cop shot him to death while his hands were up.

I don’t care a lick what happened before the officer shot him, or what happened at any point in that child’s life. I don’t want to hear reflexive defenses of the police.

I want every cop, every Chicagoan, every person with an ounce of humanity in this country to ...Read more

Thanks to clever, easily digestible rhetoric from the morally and financially bankrupt National Rifle Association, Americans have engaged in years of bickering over whether guns kill people.

I believe they do, in staggeringly large numbers, as evidenced by the thousands upon thousands of Americans pierced by bullets each year. Those bullets are...Read more

Like most reasonable Republicans, I will no longer be watching Major League Baseball games. Or drinking Coke products. Or traveling on jets. Or using social media or cellphones or computers or banks.

“Why?” you ask, though I can’t hear you because I’ve burned all communication devices and now live beneath a bridge that does not appear �...Read more

As President Joe Biden unveiled a sweeping, $2 trillion infrastructure proposal, Republican lawmakers detailed their party’s own carefully thought-out counter-plan, which consists of one word: No.

The GOP might consider broadening that plan to “Heck no!” but that’s only if party members have time between filming themselves standing ...Read more

I have received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and so far I feel fantastic and jfsgfdsnlsfnaldda,wnww,,fz…..

KIDDING! I feel great, and I’m begging and pleading — I’m also advising, beseeching and imploring — people to get vaccinated against this horrible virus as soon as possible once you meet state or local criteria.

If ...Read more

Depending on your political leaning and what television station you watch, the current situation at the U.S. border with Mexico is either an all-caps “CRISIS!” or an all-lowercase “crisis.”

Given much of the news coverage lately, it would seem the biggest immigration issue facing America in the early months of 2021 is which news network...Read more