ArcaMax

Dear anyone rich enough to buy my newspaper:

Hi there! I’m sure you’re busy, and I don’t mean to be a bother, but I was wondering if you might consider purchasing the Chicago Tribune and rescuing this civic institution from the clutches of a hedge fund that has done to newspapers what lawn mowers do to azaleas.

If you’re unfamiliar ...Read more

Federal investigators had the gall to execute a so-called search warrant on the New York City apartment of my hero and close personal friend Rudy Giuliani, America’s mayor and former lawyer to the most honest president we’ve ever had, Donald J. Trump.

Suffice it to say I am OUTRAGED. I am unfamiliar with the case, have not read the search ...Read more

President Joe Biden has no plan whatsoever to reduce Americans’ consumption of red meat. But I have it on good authority that Republicans, including thought leaders such as Donald Trump Jr. and Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, want Americans to start consuming large amounts of human flesh.

I’ll get to the GOP’s new pro-cannibalism stance in a ...Read more

I would love a COVID-19 vaccine passport. After more than a year in full or partial quarantine, I’m so happy to be vaccinated I want to get the words “FULLY” and “VAXXED” tattooed on my butt and run naked through the streets. (Don’t worry, I won’t. America has suffered enough.)

Unpfortunately … sorry, that’s a side epffect opf...Read more

Adam Toledo was a kid and a cop shot him to death while his hands were up.

I don’t care a lick what happened before the officer shot him, or what happened at any point in that child’s life. I don’t want to hear reflexive defenses of the police.

I want every cop, every Chicagoan, every person with an ounce of humanity in this country to ...Read more

Thanks to clever, easily digestible rhetoric from the morally and financially bankrupt National Rifle Association, Americans have engaged in years of bickering over whether guns kill people.

I believe they do, in staggeringly large numbers, as evidenced by the thousands upon thousands of Americans pierced by bullets each year. Those bullets are...Read more

Like most reasonable Republicans, I will no longer be watching Major League Baseball games. Or drinking Coke products. Or traveling on jets. Or using social media or cellphones or computers or banks.

“Why?” you ask, though I can’t hear you because I’ve burned all communication devices and now live beneath a bridge that does not appear �...Read more

As President Joe Biden unveiled a sweeping, $2 trillion infrastructure proposal, Republican lawmakers detailed their party’s own carefully thought-out counter-plan, which consists of one word: No.

The GOP might consider broadening that plan to “Heck no!” but that’s only if party members have time between filming themselves standing ...Read more

I have received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and so far I feel fantastic and jfsgfdsnlsfnaldda,wnww,,fz…..

KIDDING! I feel great, and I’m begging and pleading — I’m also advising, beseeching and imploring — people to get vaccinated against this horrible virus as soon as possible once you meet state or local criteria.

If ...Read more

Depending on your political leaning and what television station you watch, the current situation at the U.S. border with Mexico is either an all-caps “CRISIS!” or an all-lowercase “crisis.”

Given much of the news coverage lately, it would seem the biggest immigration issue facing America in the early months of 2021 is which news network...Read more

The 21-year-old white man who went on a shooting spree at several Georgia spas, killing eight people, including six Asian women, was having a bad day, you see.

I know that because Capt. Jay Baker, a spokesperson for the Cherokee County sheriff’s office, said so during a Wednesday press conference about the murders. He said of the accused mass...Read more

President Joe Biden has signed the $1.9 trillion American Rescue Plan, guaranteeing that struggling Americans will receive swift financial help and states will have the resources to administer coronavirus vaccines and safely reopen schools.

What a jerk.

As a staunch Republican, I find Biden’s willing embrace of legislation that’s supported...Read more

News that fully vaccinated Americans can gather indoors with other vaccinated people without wearing masks or social distancing did not sit well with the burgeoning community of anti-social comfort enthusiasts, raising fears of a “pro-pants backlash.”

On Monday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced guidelines for the 30 ...Read more

I know struggling American families need COVID-19 stimulus checks, but as an educated, adult-human conservative U.S. senator, I believe it’s important we first work out a few details regarding toy potato genitalia.

If you’re an American who can still afford to pay the cable bill, you’re surely aware of the immensely important controversy ...Read more

As most rational Americans know, there’s no greater threat to our democracy than Cancel Culture, a thing that exists and is definitely not a made-up term used to soothe white people allergic to consequences.

On Monday, Republican Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio sent a letter to the Democratic chair of the House Judiciary Committee requesting a ...Read more

As a proud Republican member of the U.S. Senate, I would like to formally express my disgust — disgust, I tell you! — at the way my Democratic colleagues are conducting themselves during this ridiculous, illegal, unfair and unconstitutional impeachment trial of Donald Trump, America’s forever president, blessed be his name.

As an ...Read more

Donald Trump’s second Senate impeachment trial starts Tuesday, and like most Americans, you’re probably wondering: Who the heck is this “Donald Trump” person?

Don’t worry, I answer that and all your other pressing questions right here in my invaluable “Guide to (former) President Donald (the worst) Trump’s (second) Impeachment ...Read more