ArcaMax

I don't think I have the skills to easily assimilate into Donald Trump's America. And that can mean only one thing: I should be deported.

It was a difficult conclusion to reach, but after listening to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly's recent comments on undocumented immigrants, I see no other path forward.

Speaking to NPR, Kelly said ...Read more

I have some unfortunate news: Now that spring is here and we're forced to do unpleasant things like "go outside," there's a good chance we're all going to be killed by mosquitoes.

Well, not just mosquitoes. Ticks and fleas will also take part in the swift consumption of humanity.

A report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and ...Read more

Our recent missile attack on Syria has led me to believe it's time to revamp the Statue of Liberty.

The two things might seem unrelated, but hear me out.

So far this year, the United States has allowed 11 Syrian refugees into the country. That is roughly one-sixth the number of Tomahawk cruise missiles we fired into Syria last week in a ...Read more

I have some interesting news: The real first lady of the United States of America is Stormy Daniels.

I've gone over this in my mind, backward and forward, and basic logic dictates that I'm right.

Hear me out:

Donald Trump is president of the United States.

Stormy Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, is an adult-film actress who ...Read more

There is a girl being detained in Chicago who shouldn't be here.

She's 7. She and her mother fled Congo and arrived in Southern California in November seeking asylum. They followed all the rules, passed an initial screening that found they have a strong case for asylum, and then were separated with no explanation. The mother remained at an ...Read more