Through some well-placed sources in the virus community, I was given a missive penned by the newly discovered omicron coronavirus variant. Apparently it had some things it wanted to get off its outer protein coating.
Here is the text of omicron’s letter:
FOUL HUMANS, I AM THE OMICRON VARIANT OF THE CORONAVIRUS AND I AM HERE TO STAKE MY CLAIM...Read more
We Americans seem to live, more and more, in the narrow spaces between acts of unconscionable violence.
When one erupts, as it did late Sunday at a Christmas parade in the Milwaukee suburb of Waukesha, we stop living our lives. We grimace, watch the inevitable video — horrifying, soul-quaking — read about the number of dead and injured — ...Read more
During closing arguments in Kyle Rittenhouse’s murder trial Monday, the Kenosha County prosecutor said this: “I think we can all agree we shouldn’t have 17-year-olds running around the street with AR-15s, because this is what happens.”
Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger was, of course, referencing the two men shot and killed by ...Read more
Green Bay Packers quarterback and State Farm Insurance spokes-man-bun Aaron Rodgers has been widely pilloried for first lying about whether he received the COVID-19 vaccination, then getting COVID-19, then babbling a slew of vaccine disinformation during a radio interview, then going back on the same radio show Tuesday and offering a limp-noodle...Read more
For President Joe Biden to get his outrageous, socialist, communist, Maoist (and probably Satanist) $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill passed, he had to pull off the most devious act of his administration: tricking 13 Republicans in the U.S. House into governing.
I don’t know if he used big-tech-facilitated mind control or some form of sleepy ...Read more
The CEO of McDonald’s is rightfully getting his McNuggets deep fried over a text message he sent to Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.
The text, sent in April, was in response to the separate shooting deaths of two Chicago children earlier this year. It parroted an oft-spewed bit of victim-blaming: “With both, the parents failed those kids which...Read more
There’s a scene we should keep in the forefront of our minds as Kyle Rittenhouse’s murder trial begins:
On a chaotic August night in Kenosha, a white 17-year-old who had just shot and killed two people and wounded a third approaches police with an AR-15 style rifle slung across his chest, a rifle he was too young to carry in Wisconsin. His ...Read more
The judge in Kyle Rittenhouse’s upcoming murder trial has laid out some early ground rules for attorneys, and they make perfect sense, as long as you’re a member of one of the militias or neo-fascist groups that support the 18-year-old defendant.
On Monday, Kenosha County Circuit Judge Bruce Schroeder ruled that the two men Rittenhouse shot...Read more
Daniel “D.J.” Rodriguez, one of the hundreds charged in the Jan. 6 domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol, broke down in tears while speaking to FBI agents: “I’m so stupid. I thought I was going to be awesome. I thought I was a good guy.”
He was neither awesome nor a good guy. Just a dupe.
Like many who have embraced former ...Read more
I recently spent a week with my antifa platoon, passing out copies of U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s new book — “Nefariously Converting America to Full Marxist Communism Through Vaccine Mandates, Critical Race Theory and Cancel Culture: A Beginner’s Guide” — to thousands of people in a South American migrant caravan.
A Facebook whistleblower has confirmed what many have long suspected: The social media giant is profiting off anger and division.
That seems like the sort of thing we should all be concerned about because …
AW, CRAM IT, YOU LUNKHEAD!!!
Who is this? And how did you get in my column?
HAH! YOUR TOO DUM TO EVEN GET IT, YOU COMMIE. I’M YOU. ...Read more
I have a great new tourism slogan for Chicago: “This is really sad and nobody is doing anything about it.”
I’m sure businesses and wealthy folks of all sorts will love it.
It came from the mouth of a Simeon Career Academy High School parent after she picked her 14-year-old daughter up from the school Wednesday amid worries that there ...Read more
Joe Gutman, the son of Holocaust survivors, grew up in Rogers Park with his parents but his extended family stretched through the community, a patchwork collection of other Jewish refugees who found each other in Chicago.
By coming together here, they formed something new: a family bound by loss not blood, unified by a commitment to live good ...Read more
Veronica Wolski was a believer in the deeply unhinged QAnon conspiracy theory. When it came to COVID-19, she was anti-vaccine and anti-mask, at one point standing on a pedestrian bridge over Chicago's Kennedy Expressway with a sign that read “Ax the vax.” She became a darling in the dark fringes of the internet for believing ivermectin, a ...Read more
Now listen, I’m just a mild-mannered Midwestern newspaper columnist, but after watching what happened in the California gubernatorial recall election, my manners are feeling less than mild.
We learned Tuesday night that folks in the Golden State voted overwhelmingly to keep Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom in office. Once the degree of butt-...Read more
Great news, folks. I have it on good authority that “Real America” is done with COVID-19!
It’s a huge relief to know the pandemic is over for real Americans. The people currently getting sick and filling up hospital ICUs and dying by the thousands are apparently not real Americans, which I guess means we real Americans shouldn’t care, ...Read more