ArcaMax

Thanks to clever, easily digestible rhetoric from the morally and financially bankrupt National Rifle Association, Americans have engaged in years of bickering over whether guns kill people.

I believe they do, in staggeringly large numbers, as evidenced by the thousands upon thousands of Americans pierced by bullets each year. Those bullets are...Read more

Like most reasonable Republicans, I will no longer be watching Major League Baseball games. Or drinking Coke products. Or traveling on jets. Or using social media or cellphones or computers or banks.

“Why?” you ask, though I can’t hear you because I’ve burned all communication devices and now live beneath a bridge that does not appear �...Read more

As President Joe Biden unveiled a sweeping, $2 trillion infrastructure proposal, Republican lawmakers detailed their party’s own carefully thought-out counter-plan, which consists of one word: No.

The GOP might consider broadening that plan to “Heck no!” but that’s only if party members have time between filming themselves standing ...Read more

I have received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, and so far I feel fantastic and jfsgfdsnlsfnaldda,wnww,,fz…..

KIDDING! I feel great, and I’m begging and pleading — I’m also advising, beseeching and imploring — people to get vaccinated against this horrible virus as soon as possible once you meet state or local criteria.

If ...Read more

Depending on your political leaning and what television station you watch, the current situation at the U.S. border with Mexico is either an all-caps “CRISIS!” or an all-lowercase “crisis.”

Given much of the news coverage lately, it would seem the biggest immigration issue facing America in the early months of 2021 is which news network...Read more

The 21-year-old white man who went on a shooting spree at several Georgia spas, killing eight people, including six Asian women, was having a bad day, you see.

I know that because Capt. Jay Baker, a spokesperson for the Cherokee County sheriff’s office, said so during a Wednesday press conference about the murders. He said of the accused mass...Read more

President Joe Biden has signed the $1.9 trillion American Rescue Plan, guaranteeing that struggling Americans will receive swift financial help and states will have the resources to administer coronavirus vaccines and safely reopen schools.

What a jerk.

As a staunch Republican, I find Biden’s willing embrace of legislation that’s supported...Read more

News that fully vaccinated Americans can gather indoors with other vaccinated people without wearing masks or social distancing did not sit well with the burgeoning community of anti-social comfort enthusiasts, raising fears of a “pro-pants backlash.”

On Monday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced guidelines for the 30 ...Read more

I know struggling American families need COVID-19 stimulus checks, but as an educated, adult-human conservative U.S. senator, I believe it’s important we first work out a few details regarding toy potato genitalia.

If you’re an American who can still afford to pay the cable bill, you’re surely aware of the immensely important controversy ...Read more

As most rational Americans know, there’s no greater threat to our democracy than Cancel Culture, a thing that exists and is definitely not a made-up term used to soothe white people allergic to consequences.

On Monday, Republican Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio sent a letter to the Democratic chair of the House Judiciary Committee requesting a ...Read more

As a proud Republican member of the U.S. Senate, I would like to formally express my disgust — disgust, I tell you! — at the way my Democratic colleagues are conducting themselves during this ridiculous, illegal, unfair and unconstitutional impeachment trial of Donald Trump, America’s forever president, blessed be his name.

As an ...Read more

Donald Trump’s second Senate impeachment trial starts Tuesday, and like most Americans, you’re probably wondering: Who the heck is this “Donald Trump” person?

Don’t worry, I answer that and all your other pressing questions right here in my invaluable “Guide to (former) President Donald (the worst) Trump’s (second) Impeachment ...Read more

There are those of us who don’t believe Democrats eat children. We don’t see coronavirus vaccines as part of a nefarious mind-control plot. We don’t think President Joe Biden’s inauguration was faked and that former President Donald Trump will be inaugurated to a second term on March 4.

But some people, and we all know at least one, ...Read more

Hello, I am a congressman in the U.S. House of Representatives, and it has come to my attention that some want to see newly elected Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene expelled from Congress.

While I may not agree with everything the Georgia lawmaker says, I think expulsion is wholly unwarranted. After all, who among us hasn’t, from time ...Read more

The financial world has been consumed by news that a swarm of ordinary investors from a Reddit message board managed to drive up the stock prices of GameStop and AMC Entertainment, causing Wall Street hedge funds that had bet against the companies’ stock to lose millions.

If I’m being honest, I don’t know what most of the words in that ...Read more

Joe Biden is doing a terrible job as president.

My name is Jingo Patrioticson, host of Fox News’ nightly program “Patrioticson’s Patriots.” I love America more than anyone. Think I’m lying? SAY IT TO MY FACE, LIB!!

I always want what’s best for my country, and I support all our elected leaders 100%, as long as they support ...Read more

President Joe Biden stood on the steps of the U.S. Capitol and spoke seven words Americans desperately need to hear: “There is truth and there are lies.”

Freshly inaugurated, facing a period of sickness and division unmatched in modern American history, the new president spoke of unity and other collective aspirations in his Wednesday ...Read more

As outgoing President Donald Trump refuses to attend President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration this week, becoming the first (awesome) president in 100 years to skip the event, many have wondered if he will continue the tradition of leaving a note in the Oval Office for his successor.

Well, I have great news: Trump will (maybe) leave a note. ...Read more