ArcaMax

Through one of my well-placed (and possibly imaginary) sources, I have received this VERY NOT MADE UP text of a speech delivered this week during a Zoom meeting attended by thousands of Republican lawmakers and right-wing pundits:

Hi, everyone, and welcome to today’s GOP Talking-Point Response Planning session. Hail Trump!

(...Read more

MINNEAPOLIS — It’s Sunday and there’s a respectful silence at George Floyd Square, as if people’s voices are pressed down to whispers by the gravity of the signs, the colorful murals, the pain-laden poems, the candles and flowers and the spot outside the Cup Foods store where a man’s murder under the knee of a police officer sparked a ...Read more

More than 250 bills seeking to limit the rights of LGBT people have been brought up or passed in state legislatures across the country this year.

Many target transgender youth by limiting access to gender-affirming medical care or prohibiting participation in school sports. Some seek to bar transgender people from restrooms consistent with ...Read more

As he faced the Dawn of Consequences, Paul Allard Hodgkins, a 38-year-old Florida man who carried a “Trump 2020” flag on the floor of the U.S. Senate during the Jan. 6 domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol, stood up in a federal courtroom and told the truth:

“I completely acknowledge and accept that Joseph R. Biden Jr. is rightfully ...Read more

These recent headlines tell the story of a crime:

“COVID-19 infections are rising again in parts of Illinois.”

“US COVID-19 cases rising again, doubling over three weeks.”

“Covid-19 cases are surging in 46 states.”

Hospital beds in Missouri, Mississippi, Alabama and a number of other states are again filling up with COVID-19 ...Read more

We need to talk about rich people traveling into space.

On Sunday, Virgin Galactic founder and large-amounts-of-money-having human Richard Branson rode his own rocket to the edge of space, soaring more than 50 miles above the planet then descending without jettisoning billions of dollars in cash to the people below, many of whom face food ...Read more

The following missive was transmitted to me via airborne droplets. It claims to be from “a very happy coronavirus.” I have verified its authenticity via a polymerase chain reaction assay or, in this case, essay.

Hi there, human hosts! It’s me, a coronavirus, here to thank all the unvaccinated folks in America for making my life a...Read more

The heaving hysteria over critical race theory, showing up now in state legislatures and school board meetings across the country, can be disturbing to witness, particularly when you know it’s a bunch of ginned-up nonsense aimed at scaring white people into voting for Republicans.

But right when you think the loud liars might hornswoggle half...Read more

Despite considerable pushback, I stand by my controversial opinion that dying is bad. It’s a hill I’m willing to live on.

With that in mind, I applaud the University of Illinois’ decision to require COVID-19 vaccinations for all students attending fall classes on all three of its campuses.

In an email message sent Monday, university ...Read more

This is a story about a good dog. A lake dog, to be specific.

His name was Cooper. I introduced the world to him back in 2016 after a family trip to Great Bear Lake in Michigan. We rented a place on the lake and soon met a friendly, wet, muddy golden-Labrador-ish canine who was, to put it mildly, a real presence.

He would show up unannounced, ...Read more

Guys, I’m a little worried about our neighbor Boeing’s moral compass.

In the wake of the Jan. 6 domestic terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol, the Chicago-based defense contractor and manufacturer of big flying thingies (sorry about the fancy aerospace lingo) joined other major corporations in halting political contributions.

On Jan. 13, ...Read more

Florida’s board of education, following the lead of other Republican-run states, has outlawed the teaching of “critical race theory” in schools, a decision that will help children in the sweltering, flat Sunshine State about as much as outlawing toboggans.

Standing on the firm evidentiary platform of having zero evidence that critical ...Read more

I have a secret to reveal: I’m part of a vast left-wing conspiracy hellbent on turning patriotic Americans into Marxist drones by giving them better health care and making it easier to vote.

Just kidding. That’s no secret!

The REAL secret I’ve been harboring is this: Earlier this year, under cover of night, I turned 50.

I know, it’s ...Read more

As President Joe Biden continues his push to get 70% of American adults vaccinated against the coronavirus by July 4, he’s getting help from celebrities and launching massive public information campaigns.

On Wednesday, he announced that YMCAs and three other national child care providers will watch kids for free while parents or caregivers ...Read more

Hello, I am a very serious Republican lawmaker and I am here to protect you, the American patriot, from the trio of terrors known as wokeness, critical race theory and cultural Marxism.

I will not waste your precious, American-patriot time defining any of those three terms, as I’m sure you know exactly what they mean from hearing them ...Read more

I have an edgy thought: Maybe America should do something about all its shootings.

I use the vague word “something” because it compliments the vague word “nothing,” which is what America currently does about all its shootings.

Come to think of it, “all its shootings” is a bit vague as well, which is fine, as it can apply to any day...Read more

If you’ve ever wondered what you can do to help your country, ever wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself, now is your chance: Speak up and speak out, loudly and often, about the lie that the 2020 presidential election was rigged or stolen or somehow sullied by massive voter fraud.

The Big Lie has evolved from the narcissistic ...Read more

Americans deserve to know the answer to a question I made up: Did Fox News host Tucker Carlson, who has been doing all he can to raise doubts about the safety of the COVID-19 vaccines, actually get vaccinated by Dr. Anthony Fauci while high-fiving President Joe Biden?

I doubt it, but on Monday, I sent the following tweet to my 79,000 Twitter ...Read more

Dear anyone rich enough to buy my newspaper:

Hi there! I’m sure you’re busy, and I don’t mean to be a bother, but I was wondering if you might consider purchasing the Chicago Tribune and rescuing this civic institution from the clutches of a hedge fund that has done to newspapers what lawn mowers do to azaleas.

If you’re unfamiliar ...Read more