The White House says free trade causes wife-beating. Why stop there?
Using the White House method, we can conclude that Trump's election has caused: a surge in inflammatory bowel disease and erectile dysfunction and, at the same time, record-high levels of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis.
We can conclude with confidence that attempts to repeal Obamacare have caused the deadly forest fires in California.
We also know that the recent solar eclipse was caused by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie lounging on a beach in New Jersey after a state government shutdown closed beaches to the public.
Trump's withdrawal from the Paris climate accord caused Hurricanes Harvey, Irma and Maria, the Colombian mudslides, deadly monsoon rains in Bangladesh and an earthquake in Mexico.
His immigration policy caused increases in opioid overdoses and antibiotic-resistant infections.
His ban on travel from certain Muslim countries resulted in the U.S. men's soccer team's failure to make the World Cup.
His attacks on Gold Star parents enabled North Korea to build a hydrogen bomb.
His environmental deregulation led to the death of Tom Petty.
And his attacks on the media have produced an increase in obesity, suicides and the Zika virus.
On the positive side, his economic policies have ended the recession and sparked an uptick in economic growth. In Russia.
If you need supporting evidence for any of the above, don't hesitate to contact Peter Navarro at the White House. And if he doesn't provide you any? Well, as Trump likes to say: You knew what you signed up for.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.
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