Life Advice


Health & Spirit

Why did my ex, who didn't want children, change his mind with someone else?

Carolyn Hax on

Hi, Carolyn:

Is there anything to be gained from talking to an ex who said he never wanted children, and absolutely refused to have them, about why he changed his mind? We dated for several years and split over this. I wanted children and, as we are both men, it would have required full buy-in by both of us. He said he did not see that happening.

I've moved on and am dating someone with whom I plan to adopt. Meanwhile, I learned that he and his partner have a child -- born by surrogate, probably biologically linked to one of them. I feel this renders unresolved a long chapter in my life.

I want to talk to him about it, and I have the distance and access to have a healthy conversation. Yet I'm not sure I want to hear that it wasn't parenthood he wasn't keen on, it was parenthood WITH ME. Is this fair to pursue?

-- Anything to Gain?

Fair? Sure. You can ask.

--Sponsored Video--

But your letter isn't about fairness anywhere but the end.

What it's about everywhere else is what you have, or don't have, to gain.

I have an answer to that, too: You already know enough to put this to rest without even having to ask.

People don't work as fixed quantities. You are still you, but you're different now from the man your ex dated. Your ex is different from the man you dated then. This is true with the passage of time alone, but in that time you also presumably experienced new things, learned new things, came to a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.


swipe to next page


blog comments powered by Disqus

Social Connections


Wizard of Id Dinette Set Hi and Lois Ed Gamble Wumo Steve Breen