Life Advice


Health & Spirit

Long Distance Relationship Blues

Carolyn Hax on

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn:

I know you usually advise readers not to sit around and wait for a significant other ... long-distance relationships (stink). I get that. Does the advice change if the significant other is headed to Japan for a year (so, a definite endpoint) and really seems dedicated to making it work, with regular flights back to the States, waking up early to phone/Skype, etc.?

I really like this guy -- we've been dating for two years, and have grown very close -- but I also don't know if I'm taking on too much if I choose to wait for him, and I get that waiting around isn't usually a good idea. Am I giving up a great thing by giving up on this, or am I saving myself pain in the long run?

-- Anonymous

That is a concept I just don't understand: "saving myself pain." The only sure way to avoid all emotional pain is not to care about anything. And I can't think of anything more painful than that.


Certainly it makes sense not to be reckless and entrust our feelings to people who've proven to us that they can't be trusted -- and we should all be attuned to any self-destructive patterns in our histories.

But I don't see either of these here. Instead I see two people who have taken two years to establish that they really like and are good for each other. Does breaking up in this case qualify as "saving myself pain," or ensuring it?

Meanwhile, I think you might have misunderstood my position on "waiting." Long-distance is sometimes unavoidable, so I don't have a blanket opinion that waiting is a bad idea. What would paired-off service members do, for example, if their partners refused to wait out deployments?

What I do advise is to take into account: how solid the relationship is, how mutual the goals and feelings, how long you'll be apart, and how flexible you both are about living your lives while you're apart.


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