ArcaMax

I am not a cook. By this, I mean I rarely cook and, when I do cook, it rarely tastes good. This reality, combined with the ever-changing picky eating habits of my young children and the fact that my husband also hates to cook, has turned our family into a frozen-foods family. I may not be able to cook, but I can thaw. And thanks to my good ...Read more

"You look a little dirty. Why don't you wash up before coming inside?"

This was not something that I said to my kids. This was said to me by my eye doctor. I guess that all this time in quarantine isn't going to help my dreams of passing as a sexy 23-year-old Instagram influencer.

In my dirty defense, I had stumbled into a bush prior to ...Read more

The first night in our RV, we slept in the dealership's parking lot. A week later, we slept there again. I think it is safe to say we are not off to the best start.

I keep thinking about that old adage about how a bad wedding day is a sign for a good marriage. During particularly rough patches in my marriage, I would curse my own relatively ...Read more

"Let's get a boat. I've been in a boat," I said to my husband.

"You want to buy a boat? Have you ever driven a boat?" he asked.

"OK, fine. Then let's get an RV."

"Have you ever driven an RV?" he asked.

"No."

"Have you ever even been inside an RV?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "But I'm sure there's nothing to it."

And that is how we became...Read more

"Let me see," my 7-year-old said. I smiled at him.

"Mama," he said, "your mask is on."

"Oh! Right." I lowered my mask.

Our local orthodontist's office had just opened up after being shuttered for COVID-19. I went in for an appointment that was meant to happen two months ago -- to have my new Invisalign retainer fitted. It is part of my ...Read more

My 7-year-old's teacher decided to put on a school play. It begins in 20 minutes. I have a problem with this. In fact, I have many problems with this.

For starters, it's nearly the end of the school year. Why are we getting ambitious now? Isn't now the time for field day and end-of-year ice cream parties? Don't these last precious weeks provide...Read more

A friend of mine works in the fashion industry. She sighed as she spoke to our friends over Zoom last week. While most of us are dealing with being furloughed or being laid off or not having work come in, she was just given a raise. But with that raise comes a raise in expectations. "I was on the phone with Diddy, and we just can't figure out ...Read more

Why is dressing for online meetings so much more difficult than dressing for normal life? I know how to dress for work. I know how to dress for home. I do not know how to dress for both at the same time. If the meetings were audio only, I'd be in pajamas all day. But the meetings are always with video, and I go through about 30 outfit changes ...Read more

After my online yoga class, the swami led us in a meditation for supernatural powers. But so far, the only supernatural thing that has happened is the fact that I chose to participate in a yoga class in the first place.

My treadmill, like most treadmills, has been a de facto hamper for most of its life. When the pandemic first hit, I removed ...Read more

"You're gonna burn, little birdie!"

Perhaps in days prior to COVID-19, I would express concern over my 4-year-old's impaling Peeps from the Easter Bunny and roasting them over the campfire while muttering to the melting, bubbling once-bird-shaped gloop, but now? Meh.

My daughter has gone feral. She is insisting on peeing outdoors. She and my ...Read more

"I haven't left my house in 29 days," my friend said. "The only thing that would drive me out of my home is if a snake slithered in."

She is deathly afraid of snakes. She's even more afraid of snakes than she is of the coronavirus. But she is also in Chicago. She had a nice layer of snow on the ground and a rising COVID-19 death toll outside ...Read more

Confession No. 2,011

Topic: coronavirus

I tried to eat the children. It was a mistake. They were tough and rubbery, probably from all of the jumping on the trampoline they've been doing for the past two weeks. I couldn't even sink my teeth in. I know it's only been 55 minutes since my most recent confession, but you see, they were playing a ...Read more