We don't have a basement. We have a scary-basement. This distinction must be honored. On our first day in our home, there was a 6-foot snake hanging out down there. Since then, it has been home to fellow snake friends, mice, spiders, frogs and the occasional opossum.
The garage door, which goes directly into this unfinished basement does not ...Read more
This was my first Thanksgiving in six years without pregnancy pants. I've never actually been pregnant on Thanksgiving, but surely that's beside the point.
Pregnancy pants, as I've noted many times before, are God's gift to women, avid buffet-goers, shoplifters and Thanksgiving diners everywhere. The expandable pouch and elastic waistband ...Read more
We were never dining room kind of people. For years, I thought it was a before-its-time minimalist museum, boasting its sole piece of art: the table, complete with expansion wings for an extended family that would never sit at it, lit for display by its own personal chandelier. Very Andy Warhol. Surely, we must have ventured into the dining ...Read more
Packing for holiday travel is akin, I would imagine, to packing for placement by the Witness Protection Program. When you don't know where you'll wind up, you have to prepare for everything. Will we wind up in a boondocks motel hours away from our destination? Mars? Better pack that water purifier in case we get a flat tire in the desert and ...Read more
There was, of course, the issue of the ALF underwear.
The panties featuring the likeness of everyone's favorite furry Melmac native appeared in my daughter's drawer after my mom's most recent visit. At 3, my daughter is the last of her friends to be potty trained. It's been the perfect blend of her obstinance and her parents' laziness that ...Read more
I was scared of having a daughter. I didn't know how to raise a girl in this world of unlimited ands. She'd have to be this and that and definitely this. I don't know how to be a girl in this world; how could I possibly guide another?
I prayed for a boy first. Surely, a boy must have fewer ands. Surely, my outside perspective could ...Read more
Halloween doesn't just happen on Oct. 31 anymore. In my town, we have a monster parade that marches though the entire city, bringing joy and flamethrowers to thousands of onlookers. It ends in a massive disco dance party for the whole community -- with all the people clad in costume and on their eighth wind from candy-curated sugar highs. I ...Read more
"In case we die," she said.
"You're not going to die, Mom," I replied.
"I'm sending you all our information -- the will, access to the security box, directions to my secret stash of pretzels so mice don't get them if we don't come back -- everything you will need."
"Mom, just because this is called a 'bucket list' trip doesn't mean you kick...Read more
"It could be eczema," I said.
"It's lice," my friend repeated.
"Dry skin from the weather changing?"
"Do you see any lice in my hair?" I asked.
"So, then it could be anything."
"It's lice," she repeated again.
"Allergies? Brain tumor? Some rare autoimmune disease?"
"Oh, my gracious!" my friend ...Read more
My family and I spent the past few weeks traipsing around Down Under, where a children's show pilot I wrote is being turned into a TV series. After a few work meetings, we were off to visit three old Aussie friends I'd kept from when I lived across the world many moons ago.
Not to brag, but I consider myself a bit of an expert when it comes to ...Read more
October has favorite-month potential. I love the chill in the air, the smell of fireplaces and getting to wear hoodies and a few extra pounds. But one thing tarnishes the lovely month of October: Halloween decorations.
I'm afraid of ghosts. There, I said it. Ghosts freak me out. I don't care how groovy Shaggy's van is; I could never join Scooby...Read more
"This place is sweet!"
My husband ran his fingers along the sleek furniture, admiring the stylish pad. It was as if we had stumbled onto something magical, like Alice tripping through the looking glass and winding up in a world of wonder that, though unimaginable, was somehow built as if with her in mind. My husband was right. This place was ...Read more
We ran out of coffee.
How could we have let this happen? We knew we were coming to the end. Written in bold black lettering on the dry-erase board mounted on the refrigerator read, quite plainly, "Coffee." Perhaps it should have read, "COFFEE, you fools!" We might not have been in this mess if it had.
The initial shock was manageable. I keep...Read more