ArcaMax

The only lingerie I own is from leftover costumes I've kept from my high school theater performances. I've never worn it off-stage, but it has hung in my closet for 20 years, somehow making the to-pack box as I've moved to and from countries and from one coast to the next.

I guess I figured I'd grow into it. Time would surely present the ...Read more

Let us talk, for a moment, about goat yoga.

For me, it's a big naa-aa-aa-aah.

Weeks ago, my family visited a petting zoo. We walked among the goats as they stared at us with their evil eyes and rammed their bodies into us, forcing our kibble-cupping hands to lower, and we all laughed through gritted teeth, pretending it was fun. A ...Read more

"His name is Howell!"

"OK, fine. Then I have to remove Howell," I said.

My daughter has a love of naming things -- even things that are latched on to her body and sucking her blood. I took out my tweezers and considered that perhaps she didn't understand that Howell, her newly named best animal friend, was a fat tick feeding off her and ...Read more

I'd like to make a suggestion, if I may: Not all buckets are meant to be shared.

Bucket of popcorn, share away. Bucket of baseballs, game on. Bucket of ice, take the challenge! Bucket of blood, which happens to be the first thing that pops up when I Google "bucket of," sure, I guess. But maybe wear some protective gloves? Unless you're a ...Read more

"Did you really just fall out of your chair? In the middle of class? For no reason?" my brother asked me. He was a senior in high school. I was one year out of college.

At first, I was perplexed. What was he talking about? Fall out of my chair?

"Mrs. Russert told me you just used to fall out of your chair," he explained. Oh, Mrs. ...Read more

"Don't worry. He's fine," my son's kindergartener teacher said to me over the phone when I picked up her call at 11 a.m. "You just need to take him to the hospital for a broken ankle."

Clearly, his teacher's version of "fine" and my version are quite different.

After I sputtered out a few questions while scrambling to find my shoes, my keys ...Read more

"What would you call this dress?" I asked the salesgirl.

"I'd call it... 'Little House on the Prairie' chic."

"And that's a thing?" I asked.

"It's most definitely a thing," she replied.

I don't understand fashion. I would say I don't understand fashion anymore, but the truth is I never really understood it. It's just becoming more ...Read more

"What's that black bug on the wall?" my kid asked.

"I dunno."

"Is it a wasp?"

"Dunno."

"Cockroach?"

"Dunno."

"Spider?"

"Dunno."

"Aren't you going to look at it?" he asked.

"Nope."

It's spring in my part of the world. The birds are chirping. The butterflies are fluttering. The flowers are blossoming. And every living creature that can...Read more

"Lucas wants to marry Ellie," one mom said.

"Colton talks about marrying Sophie. Or Jade. Sometimes Ellie," said the other mom. They chuckled and then looked at me.

"Who does your boy want to marry?"

"A bison," I replied.

My son is 6. And he wants to marry a bison.

His friends are 6, too. But this seemed lost on their mothers as they ...Read more

Bears are showing up all around my neighborhood.

Not real bears -- not yet. These are bears that have been carved out of dead and dying trees by amazing local artists -- huge tributes to nature that look as if they belong outside lodges of yesteryear. Some residents don't like the bear decor; some say it will summon the bears back into the ...Read more

We were on our second helpings at the Chinese buffet (my dad was technically on his second helping but six plates in), when the lights flickered out. There were a few sharp screams and then silence. The crowded restaurant was waiting, bated breath.

The lights came back on. My family members all made eye contact with one another -- except for ...Read more

"Dear Lord, did someone die in here?"

We rolled down the windows. We blasted the air conditioning. I considered driving the car through the car wash with the sunroof open.

We had just returned to our car after it sat in the sun for a week while we went on a cruise. In our absence, something went wrong -- very, very wrong. What in all the ...Read more