My life has become dishes. Now that we have two young children, my husband and I have had to face the grim reality that the diet we subsisted on in college -- made entirely of ramen noodles, Triscuits, Cheez Whiz and beer -- probably is no longer appropriate. At the very least, we would have to upgrade from light beer to a bock for the sake of ...Read more
On Wednesday night, we had a lightning storm -- one so wild and violent that it shook the entire house. It was so bright and constant that it was impossible to sleep.
On Thursday night, I was putting my son to bed, when some creature that had emerged from the depths of hell ran past where we sat on the floor reading stories. He was the shape ...Read more
It was exactly like "Jurassic Park."
The gigantic doors opened, welcoming our tram onto the winding roads through the animal enclosures. They shut behind us with a foreboding thud. The electric fences provided the humming soundtrack to our harrowing adventure. Our lives were now in the hands of the wildlife -- lives that were about to get ...Read more
Splat! "Run for cover! The birds -- they're after us!"
Screams. Chaos. Six children and four adults attempted to escape what can only be described as a carpet-bombing of bird poop. The birds had their target secured and would take no prisoners. Hair, shirts, food, eyeglasses, faces, iPhones -- nothing was sacred. There was only one option: Run!...Read more
The first time my son threw a temper tantrum, it was because I wouldn't let him touch the black widow spider protecting her eggs on a plant next to our front steps. He threw his body down onto the grass and thrashed about, lamenting the injustice of it all. His evil mother would not let him play with the cute, albeit highly poisonous, mama ...Read more
"I'm so excited to finally get you on the phone. I've been dying to meet you," said a potential consulting client. "My son and I are obsessed with katydids."
I was named after the katydid, a long insect that looks like the love child of a grasshopper and a mantis. Most people aren't familiar with katydids, so anytime I meet someone who shares ...Read more
I love having a good archnemesis. I feel that it keeps me young and spry, the same way Hugh Hefner feels about taking lovers or the way Jimmy Kimmel feels about hazing Matt Damon. I look at having an archnemesis the same way Willie Nelson thinks about marijuana; it just makes for a good day, man.
These ferocious foes are often found wherever ...Read more
"I'm pregnant," I told the woman washing her windows as I vomited into the trash can at the gas pump. I'm not; I just thought the lie would alleviate the clear concern and disgust on the woman's face.
"Ain't none of my business," the woman replied. She got back in her car, pulled up to the next gas pump, got out and resumed washing her ...Read more
Vultures have been circling my house for days. It's as if they know something I don't. As I write this, I'm staring out the window watching 11 birds of prey riding the wind high above the lake. Perhaps they're just playing a game of tag. Perhaps they are just fishing. Or perhaps they are staring back at me, determining what size Phillips ...Read more
"Golden Girls" is now on Hulu, and I am obsessed. Not with the show, per se -- though, truly, that should be a given for anyone who is breathing -- but rather in determining which golden girl I am.
What is it about groups of four that makes us want to determine which part of each group we align with? There never seem to be options of three or...Read more
What is it about sharing a slice on the streets of New York City?
For all the art, culture and customs oozing out from this great melting pot, pizza stands above all. And the quest for the best slice is not one to be taken lightly.
When I was a kid visiting with my cousins in the city, the slice smorgasbord was a sight to behold. Sitting at ...Read more
I just paid for someone to clean my house, and my life will never be the same. My world is rocked, my jaw unhinged. It's as if someone gave me a sneak peek at a glittery afterlife with unicorns and edible gold sparkles, and suddenly all is as it should be.
Housecleaning is an artist's vocation. I didn't know. How feeble and limited my mind ...Read more
I am the proud owner of a new hammock. This bad boy can rock out at 85 swings her minute. It has sleek orange parachute-grade nylon fabric with a sexy yet whimsical red trim. Boasting its superior strength, my hammock easily supports up to 400 pounds, perfect for snuggles or cheeseburgers. It's triple-stitched, y'all. Reinforced inner core. ...Read more