ArcaMax

"Let me see," my 7-year-old said. I smiled at him.

"Mama," he said, "your mask is on."

"Oh! Right." I lowered my mask.

Our local orthodontist's office had just opened up after being shuttered for COVID-19. I went in for an appointment that was meant to happen two months ago -- to have my new Invisalign retainer fitted. It is part of my ...Read more

My 7-year-old's teacher decided to put on a school play. It begins in 20 minutes. I have a problem with this. In fact, I have many problems with this.

For starters, it's nearly the end of the school year. Why are we getting ambitious now? Isn't now the time for field day and end-of-year ice cream parties? Don't these last precious weeks provide...Read more

A friend of mine works in the fashion industry. She sighed as she spoke to our friends over Zoom last week. While most of us are dealing with being furloughed or being laid off or not having work come in, she was just given a raise. But with that raise comes a raise in expectations. "I was on the phone with Diddy, and we just can't figure out ...Read more

Why is dressing for online meetings so much more difficult than dressing for normal life? I know how to dress for work. I know how to dress for home. I do not know how to dress for both at the same time. If the meetings were audio only, I'd be in pajamas all day. But the meetings are always with video, and I go through about 30 outfit changes ...Read more

After my online yoga class, the swami led us in a meditation for supernatural powers. But so far, the only supernatural thing that has happened is the fact that I chose to participate in a yoga class in the first place.

My treadmill, like most treadmills, has been a de facto hamper for most of its life. When the pandemic first hit, I removed ...Read more

"You're gonna burn, little birdie!"

Perhaps in days prior to COVID-19, I would express concern over my 4-year-old's impaling Peeps from the Easter Bunny and roasting them over the campfire while muttering to the melting, bubbling once-bird-shaped gloop, but now? Meh.

My daughter has gone feral. She is insisting on peeing outdoors. She and my ...Read more

"I haven't left my house in 29 days," my friend said. "The only thing that would drive me out of my home is if a snake slithered in."

She is deathly afraid of snakes. She's even more afraid of snakes than she is of the coronavirus. But she is also in Chicago. She had a nice layer of snow on the ground and a rising COVID-19 death toll outside ...Read more

Confession No. 2,011

Topic: coronavirus

I tried to eat the children. It was a mistake. They were tough and rubbery, probably from all of the jumping on the trampoline they've been doing for the past two weeks. I couldn't even sink my teeth in. I know it's only been 55 minutes since my most recent confession, but you see, they were playing a ...Read more

Confession No. 1,039

Topic: coronavirus

Dearest Porcelain Goddess, I bow before you, or rather, sit upon you with earnest gratitude for the physical separation you afford me from my children. We are a couple of weeks into our shelter-in-place mandate, but the "in place" aspect seems to elude my kids. They are never sitting still in one place...Read more

SOS from the front lines of Coronavirus Isolation with kids:

00:01:00 The schools have been closed. The store shelves are empty. We've been shopping. We've been preparing for this. We are fine. We are safe. We are healthy. This is just an extended vacation -- an inside, isolated staycation. I vow not to leave the house for at least a week.

...Read more

My daughter asked, "Wanna know what I'm gonna name my children?"

Of course I did. "I'm going to have two daughters, named Rose and Lily, and a son named Black-Eyed Susan."

"Is this a flower-child take on 'A Boy Named Sue'?"

My daughter blinked. She's 4. She doesn't yet know Johnny Cash, and more shamefully, she has yet to memorize the ...Read more

As I lie dying, I have to admit to myself that I am in fact not dying, no matter how impossible that truth seems. I know I am not dying because I am in fact getting better. Better enough to write this. Better enough to sit up, turn my head and have recall. Better enough to recall that the last time I felt so sure that I was dying was when I was ...Read more