"I used to keep a list of my favorite airports," I said to my friend on our most recent girls trip, referring to a time in my life long ago when I was jet-setting around the South Pacific as a backpacker.
"I still keep a list," my friend said. "Gotta know how you're gonna sleep."
"Exactly!" I said.
"My airport point system is based on how far...Read more
"We're nature people," the people in the campsite across from us said.
"So are we," I replied. "I mean, I'm guessing most people here are."
We are currently in a campground in central Florida. A river snakes through the 450-site campground, marked with signs every hundred yards begging people to beware of the serpents and not feed the ...Read more
When I was a kid, my dad set our toilet seat on fire.
This isn't an attempt at a scatological joke. Beans had nothing to do with it.
The seat had once been a hip-to-the-late-'80s light blue color. After the infamous toilet seat fire, it became a bubbled orangish brown that drooped in hardened teardrops of its previous baby blue like a Salvador...Read more
Four years ago, when I got my treadmill, the worker installing it said, "I see you got yourself an expensive hamper."
I rolled my eyes. This man doesn't know me! How dare he imply that my beautiful new treadmill will become nothing more than a convenient place to dump clothes? Just because my mom's treadmill is used as a hamper and my best ...Read more
"I'm on social media too much," I told my husband. "The news is making me paranoid."
I needed a break for my mental health. I needed a break for a better relationship with my kids. I didn't want them to think of me as someone always with a phone in her hand. They deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.
"So what will you do to ...Read more
I, like many, have a love-hate relationship with New Year's resolutions. Nearly every year, I declare with haughty elitism that I'm above such nonsense. And nearly every year, in the back corners of my mind, I think, "Hmm, this year, I will take up fencing and commit to practicing no less than six hours a day."
This year, I'm going for simple; ...Read more
"Check out my new ornament," my friend texted in our group chat.
A moment later, a video appeared of her new Christmas ornament to commemorate the year. It was of a dumpster on fire, with lights flickering in bright yellows and oranges and "2020" written across the bottom of the ornament. The 2020 dumpster fire -- how appropriate.
In the final...Read more
My 5-year-old walked in with her legs through the sleeves of a sweater.
"Um," I said, looking down at her rather unusual outfit.
"What? You said, 'Put something on to cover my legs, because it's cold outside.'"
"I meant pants," I said.
"OK. Where are my pants?"
I have no idea.
Coming home five months after throwing all your ...Read more
The first time we went to our house after purchasing it, we found a snake in the basement. "This will happen," an animal control officer said as she removed the 6-foot rat snake. "You live on water next to the woods."
"So they come in for shelter?" I asked.
"They come in for food," she said.
"What food?" I asked.
"Mice, moles, voles, bugs." ...Read more
Lately, my kids have been making a big push to move to Australia. They believe there is no COVID-19 Down Under. (Untrue.) They believe it is the birthplace of magic. (Quite possibly true.) I try to dissuade them with stories of venomous snakes and spiders the size of their heads.
"Really, Mama," they want to know, "where is your sense of ...Read more