Presenting 'The New Colossal Gall'

Gene Weingarten on

WASHINGTON -- To all potential donors:

Thank you for considering this GoFundMe appeal to finance my Great American Wall project.

No, I am not asking for money to build the Trump wall. Some other guy already thought of that, and fell short of the billions needed. But his success at raising money from ordinary political zealots -- $15 million in less than a month! -- convinced me that it's possible to gull anyone into contributing anything if the project aligns with their particular naive, xenophobic, mean-spirited political beliefs.

So, here goes. I promise I'll handle your cash with all the ethics you have come to expect from your leaders.

Ladies and gentlemen, forget the actual wall. Maybe it will be built and maybe it won't, but we can definitely build something even more important than the wall: A celebration of the concept of the wall. Yes, the Big Idea behind the wall can be indelibly represented, and it will stand forever. You with me? Excellent.

First, we need to buy an island close to New York Harbor, where the abhorrent, bleeding-heart Statue of Liberal, er, Liberty now stands. My new statue -- tentatively titled "The Statue of Beat It!" -- would have to stand somewhere in the vicinity of Lady Liberty, so its bold new thesis can negate her tenderhearted, namby-pamby message of welcome, inclusion and, you know, watchamacallit, "diversity."


I have my eye on several tiny islands, some of which are privately owned, all of which could probably be bought at a bargain. My favorite is Rat Island, because it is made in part of bird guano -- but others are good, too. The only possible complication is that all of these islands are homes to magnificent species of bird, including black-crowned night herons, snowy egrets, ibises and double-crested cormorants, the survival of all of which must be assured because of our deep concerns for indigenous hahahaha kidding kidding we'll just shoot them.

So, buying and securing the island will be no problem. Next comes the construction, which will be easy and cheap. Despite its name, there's no statue -- it'll just be a wall! Maybe 200 feet long with rolls of razor wire at the top. Made of bricks or rebar and concrete. (No "iron slats," that's for snowflakes!) The concrete will allow for an inscription of an original poem to neutralize "The New Colossus" -- that touchy-feely crap on Liberty Island written by Emma Lazarus, who was Jewish, not that it matters but she was and also a socialist and a "spinster," not that it matters.

Here's the best news: We won't have to pay for a new poem, because I have written it, and will make it available on the Statue of Beat It! for a nominal price, which the Mexicans will pay for, after it is taken from your generous donations. Here it is:

(BEG BOLD)The New Colossal Gall(END BOLD)


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