The nuclear option
Leave all the toilet seats up.
Eat a pound each of cherries, figs and strawberries. (The bomb will get you before the squirts do.)
See if autoerotic asphyxiation works for you.
No reason not to head to the zoo and have the most exotic barbecue in all of human history.
Change into a comfortable but attractive outfit in case it's what you end up having to wear forever in the afterlife, or as a ghost.
Use up all the hot water. Then go to every room in the house and turn on the lights. Then turn on an iron, leave it on the ironing board, and walk out the door.
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Text a thank-you to your yoga instructor for helping you be physically able to actually kiss it goodbye.
Thanks for the help: Mark Raffman, Alex Blackwood, Rachel Manteuffel, Elizabeth Ewert, Michael Gips, Dan Steinberg, Robert Schechtman, Joseph Schech, Kathleen Giotta Delano, Pia Zammit, Bruce Alter, Noam Izenberg and of course the felicitously named Sandy Coffin.
Gene Weingarten can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter, @geneweingarten. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.
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