WASHINGTON -- Like most men, I deeply impress myself with my knowledge of sports. I spend many hours in earnest philosophical debate with myself involving what-if scenarios and such. I recently decided to share these insights in an exchange of emails with one of the few people savvy enough to appreciate them, my colleague Tom Boswell, The ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- This is a column about being a columnist, and being a father, and being an idiot -- not necessarily in that order.
One recent Sunday I was two days late in writing my column and was still failing to arrange words together into a product that resembled something my editor, Tom the Butcher, would at least have called "bad." "Bad" is...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Have you ever had a restaurant meal for two that cost $150? I have, but only rarely.
Have you ever had a restaurant meal for two that cost $250? I have, but only very rarely, on very special occasions. Each time it vexed me a little, partly because of the wretched excess when others go hungry, but mostly on cost-benefit analysis. ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Don’t you think it’s time to look past the last presidential election and ahead to the next one? Me, too.
As history has taught us, presidencies are subject to the pendulum effect. The public tries someone, quickly sickens of him, and then swings in the opposite direction. Consider the election of John Quincy Adams, a member ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- When Joan Rivers died suddenly a few years ago, I didn’t write about it. It was too painful for me. I liked and respected Joan, and, as it happens, I killed her.
Technically, Joan died from complications after throat surgery, but that was just what the public was told. Joan died because I had written about her just a few weeks ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am not much of an adult. I procrastinate childishly. I don’t make the common-sense connections that others do in order to efficiently navigate the world. I am like a dog or cat who simply accepts current reality as inevitable and immutable.
For five days last month, my hair -- always unruly -- seemed unusually greasy and dirty...Read more
WASHINGTON -- So how was your last month? Mine went like this:
While shaving, I discovered a lump on my throat. Not a “lump in my throat,” such as one gets when one watches, say, Bambi’s mommy getting shot. This was like a big old lump where, based on previous casual neck reconnaissance, I was pretty sure there should only be non-lumplike...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Dear Tom Cridland:
My inbox at The Washington Post is full of your “Dear Gene” emails. They all suggest that I write a story about you and your new line of expensive, sturdy, “sustainable” casual clothing guaranteed to last 30 years with free repair or replacement. These emails are somewhat intense. You’re angling for a ...Read more
You Shall Know Our Names (The Judah Halevi Journals) (Volume 1)Ezekiel Nieto Benzion
When Ezekiel Benzion's grandfather handed him the dusty journals written by Doctor Judah Halevi Nieto, he begged, "Before I die, tell me why our family protected these for two hundred years. Who were these men? And why were they revered?" The search for answers led to ...
WASHINGTON -- I have always been a fiercely competitive person, in matters both large (success! awards!) and minuscule (Parcheesi!). In some ways, this has strengthened me. In some ways, it has poisoned me.
Every time I read of the death of someone famous who is younger than I am, the sadness is at least slightly tempered by a little ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I was having lunch the other day with Mary Ann, an old friend and colleague who once ran the legal department at The Washington Post. Back then, Mary Ann was always the adult in the room, the person whose judgment went unquestioned because everyone understood that she was always right, even if you knew her well enough to also know ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Today, we return to “pokes,” jokes retold as poems.
The Magic Glute
A man who was a little dumb
And literal of mind
Has started going gluten-free
As a gift to his behind!
I asked him why, and he explained:
He wants to starve his glutes.
His butt feels like it’s just too big
WASHINGTON -- My friend Rachel and I are about to sample some coffee. The beans from which this coffee was brewed were purchased by an American lawyer at a street market in Vietnam. They found their way to my home through a circuitous process I choose not to disclose.
The beans are packaged in an airtight container featuring Wicovalve ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- One day late last month, right after the inauguration, I was driving with a friend. On the radio, an NPR correspondent was discussing some pending executive order by the new president -- I didn’t listen carefully, but I’m presuming it made it legal to give noogies to foreign-looking persons, or something.
Me: Whoa, he just ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Today, another episode in my Pulitzer Prize-winning investigation of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.
Twin Tree Gardens rosemary
Me: I am concerned you will think I am a crank.
Me: So, I am looking at your bottle, and it identifies rosemary as a “premium spice.” That is blatantly ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Just questions today. No answers.
When they sell you eyeglasses, why do manufacturers still give away soft, hypoallergenic cloths and anti-static, sterile, non-silicone lens-cleaning solution when they know that after religiously using these products for as long as an entire week, 95 percent of us will revert to our shirttails and...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am an adventurous eater. I customarily order the weirdest things on a menu for the same reason some people bungee jump. I have eaten snake meat and bull testicles and calves’ brains and alligator and sea urchin and the worm from a bottle of tequila. I once had warm milk right out of a cow’s teat. My most disturbing moment was...Read more