Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel ...Read More

These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go ...Read More

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

- The problem: How to...Read More

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all ...Read More

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the ...Read More

... continued from above

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

...Read More