In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even ...Read more

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, ...Read more

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Fight crime – Shoot back

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN ...Read more

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.

4. You wear black socks with sandals.

5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

7. Your address ...Read more

Baby Billy was sitting in his mother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Billy asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his mother replied.

"That's cool!" Billy said.

"Are you going to hang it next to the bear?"

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second ...Read more

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- Avoid parking tickets by ...Read more

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the ...Read more

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I ...Read more