... continued from above

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

... continued from above

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far... and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

Continued below...

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than ...Read more

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones ...Read more

Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?

Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce ...Read more

One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.

His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road...Read more

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One ...Read more

A young college girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "...Read more

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could ...Read more

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, ...Read more

An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-...Read more

Ground floor opportunity

-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company

- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player

-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities

-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug ...Read more

This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space.

The redhead said,"I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."

Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said,"Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."

Finally, ...Read more

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts...Read more

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive ...Read more

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". ...Read more

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in ...Read more

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear ...Read more