How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter ...Read more

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot...Read more

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be ...Read more

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'...Read more

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a ...Read more

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between...Read more

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery predates all other technological endeavors.

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that ...Read more

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His wife!

What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
You can't keep a good man down!

Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect!

When did Caesar reign?
I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him?

Teacher: Where is ...Read more