-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open...Read more

- Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

- Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

- Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

- Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

- Take a flutter board and pretend ...Read more

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

- You consider McDonald's "real food."

- You actually like doing laundry at home.

- 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

- It starts getting late on the weeknights.

- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

- You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

- You'd rather clean than study.

- Half the time you ...Read more

- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

- Eye Drops Off Shelf

- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

- Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

- Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners ...Read more

No body

No body

No body

No body

No body

An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, "Ah, we'll have some fun with him!" So they walk up and say, "Hey, Paddy, as you're new here make sure you know a joist from a girder..." "Ah, sure, I knows" says Paddy, "twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend ...Read more

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.