I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please ...Read more

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife ...Read more

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me ...Read more

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why ...Read more

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code...

- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.

- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.

- Appearance is more important than substance.

- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

- There is never enough time to do your job, but ...Read more

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

- I still miss my ex. But my aim is ...Read more

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: ...Read more

What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle!

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A petticoat!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A terrified postman!

What happened to the dog that ...Read more