Humor
/Entertainment
Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!
The Last Word from Women
Men are like fine wine...
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Marriage Quotes
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
- Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Marriage means ...Read more
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!
What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?
A witch in soggy shoes!
What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?
Lucky!
What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?
Broom mates!
What does a witch turn when the lights go out?
...Read more
Quick Quotes
"Did you all see the guy at Yankee Stadium that jumped from the upper deck into the net that catches the foul balls? He jumped like 50 feet. How can anyone get that drunk off $8 beers!" -- Dave Letterman
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"Yesterday Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride had to cut the lawn of a city building as part of her community service. However, ...Read more
The trip to the rifle range had been canceled
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
Hedging His Bets
Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading ...Read more
Snake's New Glasses
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc,...Read more
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
For The Kids...
What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If you're a bug!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our puppy toilet trained on it
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut!
Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Kamala Harris on Florida Abortion Ban, the Black Restaurant Experience
There are some jokes that just sound wrong coming from Seth, like one about fast food chain Popeyes opening new locations in Ireland.
Does John Lithgow Know His Lines?
John Lithgow talks about his most famous film and TV projects, playing Lord Farquaad in 'Shrek', his return to 'Dexter,' and taking on the role of Dumbledore in the upcoming 'Harry Potter' series.
Trial Reenactment Cold Open - SNL
Chaos ensues as O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) gets cross-examined during his murder trial. [Season 22, 1996]
Elizabeth Banks on Giving Her Sons the Sex Talk & Working with Huge Props on The Miniature Wife
Elizabeth talks about having the sex talk with her sons, educating them about uncomfortable topics, their plans for spring break, and working with huge props on her new show “The Miniature Wife” with Matthew Macfadyen.
Could AI End Humanity in Five Years? Ronny Chieng Investigates | The Daily Show
AI is changing the world, giving young people terminal brain rot, and stealing our jobs, but is it also trying to kill us? Daniel Kokotajlo, a former OpenAI researcher and company whistleblower, warns Ronny Chieng about the imminent human extinction threat posed by current AI.
Deer Crossing
Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Stupid
One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”
To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself...
Three Stages of Man
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Interesting Unofficial Laws
But they're true...
"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self ...Read more
Dumbest Quotes Ever
These were sent in by a subscriber and we cannot attest to their accuracy...But aren't they hilarious?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which ...Read more
