On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all...Read more

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . .having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age ...Read more

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside..

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is ...Read more

Kid 1: "I got my sister a VCP for her birthday."

Kid 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"

Kid 1: "No, a VCP ... Very Cheap Present!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer,...Read more

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

- Let go of the mouse.

- Turn off the computer.

- Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

- Eat something other than taco chips.

- Pass wind ...Read more

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the ...Read more

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"

First golfer, Bill: "What was your score?"

Bob: "Seventy-two."

Bill: "That's not too bad at all!"

Bob: "Thanks! I hope I'll do better on the second hole."

Peter walked up to his teacher s desk, holding a report card with a big red F.

"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

- Never squat with yer spurs on.

- There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

- Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

- After eating an entire bull,...Read more

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search...Read more

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."