Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the ...Read more

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find ...Read more

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned ...Read more

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well ...Read more

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Windows 7 crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The...Read more

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- Avoid parking tickets by ...Read more

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more

A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day. The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.

They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and ...Read more

"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." --Julian Clary

---

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where...Read more

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today.

"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always ...Read more

A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "...Read more

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.

Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing.

Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing:

Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an...Read more

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

There where two men in a building site. One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear?"

The other man said, "Is this it?"

The first man replied, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it."