To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a ...Read more

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit ...Read more

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can ...Read more

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

Then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow...Read more

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"

"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"

"That is your first worry!"

(From the 1990s)

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old ...Read more

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at ...Read more