... continued from above

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length...it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female ...Read more

... continued from above

The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows ...Read more

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."

The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"

"Well - just take a larger pot!"

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get...Read more

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling ...Read more

1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc...

2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again

3. One word: Whined

4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster.

5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the ...Read more

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of ...Read more

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry ...Read more

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered....Read more

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber ...Read more

- Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

- If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

- Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

- Zenophobia: the irrational fear of ...Read more

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks...Read more

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My ...Read more

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the ...Read more

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and ...Read more

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the ...Read more

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the tv, ...Read more