- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said ...Read more

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After ...Read more

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the ...Read more

- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two ...Read more

A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"

There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew,...Read more

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I...Read more

If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!

Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!

What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring...Read more

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on ...Read more

If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!

Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!

What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring...Read more

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen ...Read more

"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"

"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time."

"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."

"I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like...Read more

This simple three question test illustrates how often politicians must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Do Politicians lie?