Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ...Read more

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"

"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.

"I guess not", says the ...Read more

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He ...Read more

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or...Read more

- When your car is overheating before you drive it.

- Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

- Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

- You discover that you can drive the car using only ...Read more

I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people".

"People WHO?" I asked.

She said, "The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper ...Read more

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to...Read more

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

A minister was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and...Read more

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.

Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb?

After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure.

He calmly and politely said to her, ...Read more

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but ...Read more

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided...Read more

... continued from above

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you ...Read more

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" ...Read more

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

- How come abbreviated is such a long word?

- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

- Since ...Read more