...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

...that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.

...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Continued below...

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d ...

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there ...Read more

Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast-Paced Company - We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere - We don't pay you enough to expect that you will dress up.

Must Be Deadline Oriented - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required - Some time...Read more

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, ...Read more

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.

The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

A young man joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Every day he worked hard in the fields and never said a word.

After ten years, the Abbot summoned him. "Brother, it is ten years since your vow of silence. On this special day, you may speak. Do you have anything to say?"

He said, "The food is terrible!"

Ten years later, he was again ...Read more

Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I ...Read more

... continued from above

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Continued ...Read more

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said "Hi Jack."

He shot me.

1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office ...Read more

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to ...Read more

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his ...Read more

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow ...Read more

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and ...Read more