At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to ...Read more

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

When the money comes out the ...Read more

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is ...Read more

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class ...Read more

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,

“We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your ...Read more

... continued from above

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000."

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Lady Astor was giving a ...Read more

Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then

a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b

So all numbers are the same, and math is ...Read more

How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?

A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!

Monday:

I decided I was going to cook for my husband Danny. Today, I made an angel food cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:

Danny wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said to serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Danny brought a ...Read more

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he ...Read more

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady ...Read more

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You ...Read more

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the ...Read more

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...if your car could go straight upwards." -- Sir Fred Hoyle

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Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

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"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." -- George Carlin

Dear Diary – It has occurred to me today that my dearest human has never sniffed my backside. I must bond with him in different ways. Like my father always used to say, if you want someone to look you in the eye make sure that your mouth smells exactly like your butt. It’s difficult to argue with that logic and so I have eaten some rotting ...Read more

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy ...Read more

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

...Read more

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on ...Read more

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back ...Read more