"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it."

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said.

"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The ...Read more

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the same highway, the ...Read more

Francis Bacon (1561-1626), the Elizabethan champion of the scientific method, died in pursuit of a better way of preserving food. He had caught a severe cold while attempting to preserve a chicken by filling it with snow.

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a can opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there ...Read more

When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere -- Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men's room was disguised.

Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which...Read more

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Why did the king go to the dentist...Read more

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

"The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, some- body actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!" --Conan O'Brien

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"NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with ...Read more

-- Your last name stays put.

-- The garage is all yours.

-- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

-- Chocolate is just another snack.

-- You can be President.

-- You can never be pregnant.

-- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Actually, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

-- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

-- You ...Read more

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please ...Read more

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife ...Read more

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me ...Read more

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why ...Read more